Thursday, December 2, 2010

So here is the big news.. with a story attached.

I have a sister!!

When my dad was just starting college, he fell in love with a woman we can call her Bickie lol. Well Bickie got pregnant, and the story is a little fuzzy right here but she ended up moving to Arizona, where she had a baby girl. Well, I guess Bickie had 7 kids and gave some up for adoption. This little baby being one of them. Fast forward 37 years later up to 2 days ago. November 30, 2010, my mom got a phone call. Well, normally she doesn't answer calls that she doesn't know the number and this was the same thing. However, she had a gut feeling that told her to call this number. Well my mom called the number back and asked who had called the number, the conversation went like this:

Mom- "Hi did someone call this house?"
Mystery person- "Yes, I'm looking for Mark Schultz?"
Mom- "Well, I'm sorry but he passed away 10 years ago."
Mystery person- "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, is this by chance the Mark Schultz that went to Ferris State."

*Mom stops dead in her tracks*

Mom- "Who is this?"

*Myster person revealed in






Mystery person- "This is Bickie."

The rest is a little fuzzy don't exactly know how it went from there. But apparently Elizabeth (my sister!!) found her birth mom last year and has been looking for my father. Finally they just started calling all of the Schultz's in River Rouge and since my mother's name never changed when they got a divorce and phone number hasn't changed in 30 years. They got her. Wow!!

So they chatted a little bit, apparently Elizabeth lives in Arizona, has children, is married. She has a daughter with blonde hair and blue eyes that looks just like my father... we'll see about that because I look just like my dad.

My mom didn't know if we were going to act on it or not so in closing she asked Bickie to relay the message that my dad was an amazing man, a wonderful husband, and a fantastic father. He was well respected throughout this city as a lieutenant of the police department. And everyone misses him tremendously.

That about broke my heart.

Well, my mom gave my oldest sister, Sara, the number to call her, but she hasn't done it yet. I'm going crazy over here, so I'm hoping she does it today, because if she doesn't I'm calling tomorrow. I have the entire day off and I'm going to start writing questions out tonight.

The part that really kills me is that she was in foster care her whole life and my mom and dad would have raised her with all of us as our sister in every scence of the word. I wish her life didn't have to be so hard. I really hope that we can have a relationship, because a part of us, is out there and I can't wait for it to join us!

Wednesday, December 1, 2010


Omg, got some news yesterday.. no I'm not pregnant just fat ;) I will post tonight when I get off work..

Monday, November 29, 2010

My back still hurts

So seriously I have been waking up with this radiating pain throughout the night and in the morning. About an hour after being awake it dissipates, but then comes right back at night. I can't take it anymore, it hurts so bad I wake up and cry and have to have the hubby massage my back. I will start back at the gym tomorrow. No if and butts about it. I don't care if I have to wake up at 5 and I'm dead tired, I would rather be a little tired than have my back feel like this.

I have work and school today. Packing my lunch and dinner. Turkey sandwich with mustard and creamy potato soup with roasted garlic (cambell's selects) Getting ready to make myself some breakfast...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sigh, hard time of the year

As a little girl, my daddy was my favorite. When I was four, he had a kidney transplant. It was definitely a blessing. I really don't remember my childhood and if you ask me he's about the only thing that I remember. My dad was sick my entire life. He was always layed up in the bed because he was in so much pain from his kidneys. He called me his nurse, all I had to do was sit in the bed with him and talk to him about ANYTHING, and the supposedly made him feel better. Could have just been taking his mind off the pain, not really sure. I know I felt powerful being called a nurse, thinking that I was the only person that could make him feel better. I remember sitting in the kitchen with my mom and aunt Lyn and him calling me from the bedroom; he needed his nurse. When I was about 8, my parents got into a screaming match after a New Year's Eve party. I was 8 years old at an all adult New Year's Eve party because they couldn't find a baby sitter and they refused to miss the party. Finally when we were home the fight started. My mom was doing dishes and then went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom my dad walked in yelling about something. And then they went into the bedroom and started fighting. The roles in my family were very switched. My mom was a parks and recreation worker and could throw 50 lbs of chalk over her should like it was nothing. My dad was always sick, was a police officer, but worked at the desk because of his illness. So when they started fighting I was sitting in my bedroom which was at the opposite end of the hall of their bedroom, on my top bunk. I remember my mom falling back hitting her head on the corner of their tall dresser. I remember them rolling around in the hallway and I remember my mom screaming "Ali call 911, he's going to kill me". Next thing I knew I was off my bed jumping over the two of them and getting the phone. Being a police officer for 20 years everyone knew my dad. So when I called my "uncle" Bob answered the phone and he said they would be there shortly. I rode shotgun in the ambulance with my mom. But all I kept thinking about was my dad. My mom would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about my dad. I was the only one that could fix him and I wasn't allowed to be with him. "It's not fair," I kept thinking. "I don't want to be with her, I want to be with him, he's the one that needs me."

I remember being woken up by the host of that New Year's Eve party but I don't remember the rest of the night or the rest of the couple of days. When I got back to school from holiday break, I was the talk of, well everyone. The police officer that attacked his wife. They had no idea. I didn't care too much. It was all over the news.

I don't remember my dad leaving, but I do remember my mom wouldn't sleep in that bed. She slept on a futon that she still has that serves as the dog's bed now. I remember cleaning the blood out of the hallway carpet with my sister, and after it wouldn't completely come clean we just covered it with a rug. I remember staying at my grandma Sue's house to see my dad. That's where he stayed until he got a house. I remember the rooms in my house being rearranged. My mom took our bedroom (my sister and I) we took my oldest sister's room and I have no idea what my parent's room was used for for the longest. At night my sister would listen to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle on repeat back when all we had were cassettes and it would take a minute for it to rewind, and she would cry herself to sleep. I don't know why she was crying I was his baby. He loved me the most, and I was the only one that I understood him.

Finally he moved into his own house, and my sister Lisa left and moved in with him, I didn't get the choice. I had to stay with my mom. She had a new boyfriend by then, she let me do whatever I wanted as long as I stayed out of her way. I would stay the night with her at her boyfriend's two room shack. He was disgusting and he had an overall death vibe going. Not that he was gothic, he was just depressing. He lived in darkness, he only came out at night, and his skin was decrepit, from all the medication (drugs) he took. I hated him, but I thought maybe this could work. If I was good maybe my parents would get back together. That never happened. Fred moved in. And I was put on lock down. I was not allowed out I had a very strict curfew.

That year my dad's other kidney failed (he was a big drinker) and he was put on steroids. I was back to being his nurse. I would go over there getting my every other weekend, just to be by myself. He was either at work, sick in the bed or at the bar. I remember one time I wanted to come over so badly but he told me he had to work. Later when my mom was feeling extra bitter she told me that he was really at the bar that entire weekend.

I would wake up at 5am on Saturday mornings to go sit with him at dialysis for hours, we would bring everyone their donuts. I knew all of their names and what their donut was. It was our little thing. Sundays we would cook dinner, pick the recipe out Sat night, pick the ingredients up Sunday morning and then cook it. Sometimes for just the two of us, sometimes my sisters came by. He would help me study. In the 5th grade we went over probably 800 words for my spelling bee. I got all the way to National's and lost on extinct. Did you know there is a c in extinct?? I didn't, well not at the time at least. I loved these years of my life. We would go on dates, to the movies he would get Swedish fish, I was never a fan and I would get Sour Patch we would get popcorn and icees.

We went on like this for 2 years. Best 2 years of my life.

My dad got a girlfriend who I really had mixed feelings about. I accepted her into my life, she didn't try to play too big of a role. Besides she came along with baggage of a son, and a crazy baby's daddy. I was not worried about her taking any kind of place.

Christmas 2000 came and went, we had a great time. I received all the presents I wanted and at 12 that was big. We always did Christmas Eve at my dad's Christmas day at my mom's.

Fred would try and do fatherly things. He would buy me a doll every Christmas, I hated them, I hated opening them. His mom loved dolls, not me, I don't care that you didn't have any kind of family life, don't interrupt mine. You don't belong here.

Well Christmas morning my dad dropped me off I remember getting out of his black lumina saying Bye, love you, hugging and kissing him, thanking him for all of my gifts. He had to work that day. I thought it was the coolest thing when my mom got those Angel's wings for dessert (I think that's what their called) so strange that this was the first and only year to get these. Oh no, I forgot that I had left my bedroom door open at my dad's so I called him but only got the answering machine, so I said "Hey dad, it's Ali, I left my bedroom door open, can you close it so Matthew doesn't go in there?" No I love you. No see you later. I remember waking up the next day walking around, the phone rang my mom answered it and as I put the angel wing in my mouth my mom dropped the phone. I knew I knew right then and there yesterday was the last day I would see my dad alive. I didn't need confirmation, I ran into my bed and cried I still had the food in my mouth, my throat was so constricted that I couldn't swallow, the whole time I cried for my dead father I had a cookie in my mouth. Finally twenty minutes later I was able to swallow. We got dressed and went to the hospital to see him. One look at him and I ran out. I vaguely remember the funeral. I know specifically that no one ever explained to me anything, no one ever said it was ok, no one ever hugged me. To this day it is hard to talk about. Dec 26 2010 it will have been 10 years. 10 years, at least 3650 thoughts and I'm still stuck here a 12 year old little girl that just lost her father.

He always told me, if you call just leave a message "Hey dad it's Ali, call me back love you". We are big on I love you's but the message I left for him didn't have one attached. I remember that whole day feeling like I should have said I love you. It was a strange feeling, and every now and then I get that feeling and I follow through with my instinct. To this day I don't know if he got my message. I don't know if the last thing he heard me say was I love you, or some random 12 year old concern about her things.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I think I'm going to post something personal...

Tomorrow because I'm jumping in the shower to go to my aunt's and I need to be all alone when I write the post.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Started the day out with H2O, eggs, and 1 piece of toast. Split with my wonderful son. Who is now playing band (tin cake pan and spoon) and running around the house. Justin made a wonderful feast for work tonight. Steak, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, greek salad, cornbread, and cheesecake. Which I will get none of. My husband does not understand the importance of healthy eating nor is he interested in ever learning. I really try to teach my son but Justin just keeps on with the crap. Thankfully my son likes fruits and veggies better than crap food. Yay I will report back later for my food consumption!

Monday, November 22, 2010

As the smell of turkey is approaching

As the smell of turkey draws near, I look forward to the day after all that wonderful food.: Black Friday!!!! Ah the smell of blood, sweat, and tears, lost dreams, fallen players, and VICTORY!!! Oh, I split my V, I dot my I, I curl my C, T, O, R, Y!! Which is what I will have. Target has a tv on sale, I'm getting it!! They have toys on sale, Malcolm pretty much already has them in his hands, they have clothes and a straightener on sale that are MINE! Ah, I cannot wait! I will be arriving at MY Target at 2:30am, they open at 4:00am I work at 12 noon. I will succeed in getting all of my presents. I think I already know what I'm getting everyone. I'm writing my list out tonight. The tv obviously being the first one I go to. I already have my route planned out to get there the fastest.

To really succeed I must make sure that I get a nutritious breakfast, protein mostly not too filling though. I have to stretch and warm up prior to those doors opening. And have a nice wide stance to enter the building as 4:00am show on the clock.

I have already written my apology letter for any injury that I cause and for any lost present that I SNATCH!!

HAHA bitches catch me if you can!!

My lower back hurts. :(

I haven't been working out regularly because I can't find a babysitter for the baby and it's too cold for him outside. I think I might start doing my Biggest Loser tapes on days that I cannot get out to work out.

Short story (not like Allan): I went to the doctors in like March and they told me that they thought I had a mild case of fibromyalgia. It was later diagnosed. If anyone is unaware of what that is: Fibromyalgia is a common condition characterized by long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, morning stiffness, sleep problems, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, depression, and anxiety.

Symptoms include:
•Body aches
•Chronic facial muscle pain or aching
•Irritable bowel syndrome
•Memory difficulties and cognitive difficulties
•Multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shins, elbows, knees
•Numbness and tingling
•Reduced exercise tolerance
•Sleep disturbances
•Tension or migraine headaches

Basically the way it works is as I work out and lose weight it becomes less of a problem. However, the way I see it is those are kind of the same symptoms of being fat. So which is it? Is it fibromyalgia or is it just fatness? Not sure, all I know is I haven't worked out in three days and I almost couldn't get out of bed my low back hurt so bad. I had Justin massage it a little bit, work it out using techniques designed specifically for this type of pain and it feels a little bit better, but only working out really helps. So guess what I HAVE to get back into doing. Yes friends working out everyday. Not that that should be a problem xoxo Ali

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Remind me to post picture in very little clothing? for comparison? Is this correct Allan?

Good Morning Nov 21, 2010

Good morning Blogland. The rest of yesterday was well, memorable to say the least? After I got off the computer I took a shower, during my shower my son was watching tv, well he got bored and decided to play with me in the shower, he threw all his clean socks in there, tampons, vaccuum heads, toothpaste, and anything else he could get his hands on. Then went on to go in my room and pour a Coke Zero over his head while sitting on top of all the clean clothes, in the middle of my bed. He is so charming. After getting dressed and getting him cleaned up and everything back to normal, my sister came and got us.

At my sister's house we ran around like crazy, playing, talking, dancing. We had a lot of fun. My sister made dinner (I LOVE my sister's food). She made tortellini soup (if you want the recipe it is amazing, five ingredients, and about 15 minutes), italian olives, garlic bread, breaded ravioli, and a green salad. I ate the soup, about 3 ravioli, 5 or 6 olives, 2 pieces of garlic bread, and a big salad. I didn't play on eating for the rest of the day, just continuing my fluid intake. Well little did I know my fluid intake went above and beyond.

A friend of mine we'll call her Bally (anyone watch House MD??) called and asked if I wanted to go out to the bar to celebrate our mutual friend's birthday because they were all going out, and so I said sure, we haven't been out in a while.

So my sister did my hair for me, I was already dressed cutely, and I would do my makeup in the car. My sister took us all up to Old Navy, on the way we stopped and got coffee and a piece of cranberry bread. We went to Old Navy and then we went to Meijer where Justin works. He said sure we could go no problem. So I said goodbye to my sister she took off with her daughter and my son in tow.

So we went home because Justin needed to change out of his work clothes. As I round the corner I tell him he better look sexy. -_- I see him and he is wearing work out pants (gray) that have stripes on the side of the legs (white) and a dark blue t shirt that is older than him that has holes all over it. I told him he needed to get his ass right back up them stairs and change into something more appropriate. So as he's walking away I realize that he has his pants INSIDE OUT, which he already had his shoes on and everything so he was going to go with them inside out. OMG. He is so crazy lol, so he went upstairs and changed into an alright outfit and we left.

We went out to the bar, and I had about 4 beers, (16 oz Bud Light), which was like 600 calories on its own. Then we went to Coney Island where we ate I had a chicken sandwich and mushrooms, I boxed half of it and just ate it for lunch. I hate going out because there is no way that I have the extra calories to drink beer like that. It's ridiculous. But today is a new day, I have had about 1000 calories so far. Egg pizza for breakfast, the rest of my sandwich with some soup. If I eat again today it will probably be more soup. Gotta get going have to get ready for work. <3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Good Morning Blogland

So breakfast was ok. It was 619 calories. Egg on whole wheat bread with morningstar bacon, cheese, and ketchup and coffee. I probably should have left the cheese off, and I will next time, didnt even think about it. Hmmm.. maybe that's why I'm this size??? Anyway, today I'm going to hang out at my sisters, luckily she is health nut and I'm very self conscious around her so I won't be tempted to eat more than I should.

I was going to go to the mom 2 mom sale this morning but Justin had work so I don't have the car. Hopefully a friend of mine can pick up anything she sees for Malcolm that is worth getting and I can just pay her back. I don't know where we plan to go at my sister's maybe just sit and have the kids play and we can talk. Unless we have errands to run that is what we usually end up doing. Well now that Malcolm is decorating the walls with oatmeal I have to be off... Hope to post later. Missed you guys!!

Friday, November 19, 2010


I've been an emotional roller coaster for the past month or so. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, hurt, alone. Malcolm is too young to understand how his mommy feels, and I don't let him see me upset. I don't know what's been going on. I feel so lost, or like I'm in a tunnel with that bright light at the end, but the tunnel never ends. It just keeps going. I didnt think a tunnel that long would show the bright ending with all the angles of distance and such.

I've been super busy with school and work of course. I only have two weeks left. Woot!!

Today I went to my mom's house today. I was hanging out with all my neices and my mom, and I forgot why I can't stand my mother's boyfriend. So my mother and Fred (her bf) make the kids sit in one room in the back of the house and play the wii, when they get tired of playing the wii they watch tv, when they get tired of tv they have to play the wii. If they come up to the kitchen or the living room they get yelled at and chased with a belt to go back into the back room. It was so ridiculous that I wanted to leave. However, I could not leave with out getting into a fight with my sister DUH! So my sister Lisa comes over and she asks my mom about "the cannoli recipe" and the pipes to make the shells

SN: we are Italian and have a cannoli recipe in the family. I have asked my mother for this recipe time after time and she has told me no.

"HOLD ON you're giving Lisa the recipe? and you wouldn't give it to me???"

"What are you talking about?? I never said you couldn't have the recipe?"

"I have asked youd for 3 years and you have always said no."

"Well fine I'll give you a copy of it too"

"Can I have like 5 pipes out of the 30 that you have so that I can make the shells also?"

"No, I'm not giving any of the pipes out your grandfather made those for your grandmother. You guys will have to figure something else out."

Later tonight I called my oldest sister Sara and we are chatting about whatever and she tells me how Lisa got the pipes for the cannolis ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Like seriously are you fucking kidding me. Lisa is the most irresponsible stupid person I have ever met. So now I'm pissed.

I get home and I show Justin's mom the recipe she got really excited and did a nice little happy dance. Well then I go and pick Justin up from work and I get all excited and do a grand entrance to show him the recipe. As soon as I pull the recipe out he realizes what it is and as I'm cheering says "I still want your moms".

Like seriously did you think before you said that. He has this way of making me feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough EVER. Then he has the nerve to get mad at me. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I get mad at him and so gets mad at me, knowing that I am weak and do not like people mad at me. I hate it, it makes me feel like he is taking advantage of me. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do..

I joined Allan's challenge, not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing exactly but he emailed me with 128 ounces per day mimimum 167 ounces to get the full effect
of the 1925 calories per day you are allowed

Not quite sure I understand, Allan if you could explain that would be wonderful love!!

Well, now I have to get going <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

catching up

will be done hopefully when I get home from school... if no one is on the computer..

Saturday, October 30, 2010


I'm taking a tip from Kreating Kristin hopefully it works. lol

Breakfast: 2 servings of Instant Oats
Yoplait Light Blueberry yogurt..

For 380 calories

Lunch: veggie black bean burger with two peices of whole wheat bread

For: 350 calories

Dinner: I'm thinking a Lean Cuisine

Not sure calories yet. Will post later..

Have work all day 1-9p lets pray for a good day. Haunted Houses later

Friday, October 29, 2010


So I had to work today, a small shift, but nonetheless it was work. 430-930p. At about 730 I was ready for bed. So I took about 6 shots of espresso from Starbucks, because I really want to be able to go to work tomorrow. Well I don't really want to go to work tomorrow, but if I get all my homework done before work tomorrow I have no excuse not to go to work. That sentence was like a big circle lol.

It's such an odd feeling to be tired and not tired. My eyes keep closing but my brain is going a million miles a second. So it's strange. I'm trying to have my mind convice my body that I have all this energy. It's not working too good. I gotta go, just thought I would check in, so Allan doesn't make fun of me for being ghost like lol. Off to the hit the books xoxo

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Did you know that...

Everytime I say that I always feel like Bill Nye the science guy.

Anyhoo.. last night Murouge and I went to On the Border for some dinner and late night studying after our 1st midterm. We ate and I mean we ate. We had tortilla chips and salsa and then we each had a meal. Murouge and mahi mahi tacos and I had some fajita burrito thing. After I was about half way through my meal I knew I was full I knew it. I told myself to stop. I really did, put the fork down and everything. But then I realized I had a couple choices. I could bring the rest home and risk being yelled at by Justin for spending my money on food, I could leave the rest and let it be thrown away or I could finish it. Really I guess I don't like myself and didn't want to burden anyone else so I ate the rest. I felt sick to my stomach. Then the waitress comes and asks if we want dessert. Did I? No, hell no I'm full as hell my stomach hurts. Murouge, however felt a little differently. She said sure we can split it. So that's what we did, we had the turtle brownie with vanilla ice cream on top.

On the way home I was feeling sick and all I wanted to do was throw up. I used to feel like that a lot. When I hated myself, the only thing that would make me feel better was to eat and then throw it back up. It was almost orgasmic the feeling of the food leaving my body. I loved that feeling and it loved me too, it was addicting. I used to throw up about 5-6 times a day, multiple times each time until everything was out. It sounds so sick and every bullimic thinks its disgusting. That's why they try to hide it, bad breath, vomit reeking fingertips, clean the bathroom with bleach everytime, air freshener, perfume. Anything to hide it, keep it concealed, because its special, its unique, and it keeps you going, it keeps you happy, it keeps you pleased. I loved that feeling.

The only reason I stopped: Justin. Justin told me he would leave me if I continued to do that to myself. So I stopped. I missed it, like a long lost friend I missed it. I kept on eating but I just didn't get rid of it. I just kept gaining weight. Everytime I was sad, mad, hurt, or happy. I would eat.

That's my story of how I got to where I am today.

Lately Justin and I have been fighting and I want my old friend back. I want that feeling, last night as I was driving home from the restuarant I could feel that old familiar tickle in the back of my throat that wanted to be stroked. I needed it so bad. I could make this weight loss thing so easy with just one finger. Quite literally actually. But I don't want to give up so easily I want to win this long fight. I want to know that I won, that I wasn't defeated, that I tried and fought and won the hardest battle of my life.

Monday, October 18, 2010

I just need a second.

So have you ever felt like the world was passing you by and you are just watching it? Or better yet like everyone is handling the stress of life so much better than you when you just want to scream?

That's how I feel everyday. I am always catching up with my work, I haven't worked out in like a week. I stopped planning my meals because I just don't have the time. I am not losing hope nor am I losing weight. Which that is obvious. I hope these last 5 weeks fly by, I can get all my work out of the way and be selfish and focus on myself, and my weight. I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I definitely didn't think it would be near impossible. There literally is not enough time in the day for me to go to school, work, work out, and play with my son. I put my son before working out, well I put him before anything. So my time for everything else has defintely been lacking. I barely get my work done before I have to turn it in.

I wanted to stop by and get some of this stress out, because lately I have just been wanting to scream. I finished my massage last week in tears because of how stressed I have been feeling. Well gotta get going. I have to type my homework up. Wonderful.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Falling Apart

This whole thing is falling apart! I'm trying really hard to keep everything together I just don't have the time!

I only went to the gym 1 this past week and I did the eliptical for 20 minutes and my legs were so tired I couldn't do anything else. I have been trying to eat healthy but I haven't had time to go grocery shopping so my breakfast for the past week has been peanut butter toast (430 calories) way too many calories not filling enough. I need to figure something out I am having a hard time working out because I have been staying up late doing homework and trying to get some husband and wife time in. So I haven't been able to wake up at 4:30. My alarm was set this morning but Justin turned it off and it didn't wake me up yet. I don't even have a baby sitter for my wonderful son. My mother isnsists she has to go to the bar every night. I hear complaints every time Justin's family watches him. All of my friends smoke and their houses smell like smoke. Maybe just maybe I can ask my sister... haven't tried that lately so she might accept especially if I give her a massage... before hand. I dunno I guess wish me luck and if there are any tips on staying on the right track in a fast paced life I'm all ears!!

Thursday, September 30, 2010

Taking time to breath

So I am now in the full swing of school and work. Three massages Tuesday and three today. Definitely a workout by themselves. I have been trying to go to the gym. Three times this week but I keep forgetting to stretch. Last night when I went I couldn't even do my abductors and adductors (inside and outside of thigh) because my muscles were so tight. So this week I am going to try to stretch more.

Ahh, so I'm aggrivated on some high school drama bullshit. Well really it's from someone at work.

This one particular girl whose name we will call P is an enormous bitch. No one likes her at my job and just recently on the downlow I heard that she was leaving to join the navy. (She will never make it) Well anyway everyone is pretty cool to her face because she is a boss. On her facebook today this is what happened:

P Green ‎23 days 23 days 23 days!!!!!!

Random Girl we work with: No............................................

Allison Monique Council: for??

P Green: If I wanted to put what it was for then I would have!!!!

Another random unimportant girl we work with: LMAO^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Allison Monique Council: damn attitude wasnt needed.

First Girl: all I can

Third random girl we work with: Say that shit again cuz I Dnt think they heard u! Lol

First Girl: She me stop!

P Green: No allison not at all and please don't mis-quote me. But if I would of said "mind your own damn business" then I would of said it with an attitude! And to you other ones and you can quote me "I ♥ my team"

Now I am left with either 1. talking some more random shit on the computer, which I am not known for 2. leaving it alone and forget about it, which I'm really not known for, or 3. waiting the 23 days and blowing her fucking teeth out, which is the answer I'm voting for.

She got me so pissed that when I was recording my damn calories I did it on the wrong day and thought I had like 600 left. So I had a slice of pizza and crazy bread. Then I realize the day. FUCK I went over my calories. I hate that dumb bitch.

Ya know what I need to think of now.. WWAD: What Would Allan Do. So Allan what would you do? You seem to always have the right answer, should I blow her teeth out? I don't want to lose my job over this and talk shit over the computer (which she could bring in) BUT if she is not there anymore then I cant lose my job..

xoxo Ali

Sunday, September 26, 2010

As school gets closer and my life gets even more hectic I see the light

Back to school, back to school, to prove to Dad that I'm not a foooooooll, I got my lunch packed up, my boots tied tight, I hope I don't get in a fight OOOOOOOOO back to school back to school... *bus rolls up*... well here goes nothing. *bus drives off leaving Billy in the dirt*

If anyone has ever seen the movie Billy Madison then you know that Billy was pretty excited to go to school.. and then not so much.. that's kind of how I feel.

I'm almost always up for a challenge, if you ask my friends I always chose dare and always pull through, but this semester I'm not so sure. Currently I am going crazy trying to work, spend as much time with Malcolm as possible and only work out when he is sleeping. Well adding school to that doesn't make much time to eat (doesn't sound so bad), sleep, or poop. I go to school Mondays 6p- 10p Tuesday 1p- 10p (two 4 hour classes) and Thursday 6p- 10p. I have to get 40 hours a week or bills don't get paid and I also need to hang out with Malcolm, my husband, and workout. I'm going to try to start waking up at 4:30a to hopefully make it to the gym by 5a get about a 2 hour work out in, get to work by either 7:30 or 8 depending on when I start. Then work until school then home at 10 to pack my lunch, hopefully not snack, go to bed and do it all over again.

I hope that I blog throughout this, but quite honestly I might not have a free second with the homework also.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

Why can't I get on the band wagon...?

Today was a very noneventful day. I woke up with Malcolm, took Justin to work and then went to work myself. There were a few minor details which I will divulge now. I went to my school because as my previous post stated I have to pay twice the money for my books and use my loan that I didn't really want to use and is not even available to me yet. So I go there grab my 12 bottles of lotion that I will use this semester (massage therapist), my planner, and my books. I get up to the check out, hand them my student id card and they ask for ___dollars (can't quite remember how much WAY more than I had in my account) and I didn't understand because I actually should have money to use from my loan. So I ask them if they could please hold my stuff while I go check what is going on with my money.

"We close in 3 minutes, if you can make it before then, than sure" REALLY? You can't hold the door an extra 2-3 minutes. No. Great. So I head over to the Financial Aid office and I see a girl that I used to work with. Well let me tell you about this girl, Jessica, if that gives you a better picture. She is about 5'0 190 lbs last time I saw her which was when I was pregnant with Malcolm. Her son is about 5 months older than Malcolm so she had some baby weight still on her the last time I saw her. However, that baby weight fell off her like crisco out of a fat man's pores. I would put her at about 130 now.

Now by this time I was in total and utter shock, everyone gave her a really hard time about putting on so much weight when she was pregnant and didnt lose it right away. I expected her and her fat baby's daddy would be in the obese category for awhile. So I tell her "man you look really good, you lost a lot of weight" what does she say? you ask "yeah I know, don't I look good" what. like I seriously felt like I was in one of those really dark rooms where there is one beam of light and it is shining right down on you. dun dun DUN dun DUUUUNNN.. so I really felt out of place. The fat chick talking to two skinny bitches (btw I say skinny bitch with the upmost respect). So I just walked away and went on with my day.

Got ma her did, highlights to make me a beautiful blonde.. didn't work out today because I had Malcolm all day, didn't eat very good, I don't have much food in house and as previously stated don't have the money to buy food right now.. the end... gym tomorrow, will I see you there?

This is not ideal.

So I did not have intentions of coming on here to yell about my husband, but in interest of saving a conflict:

The last couple days, well the last week he has been completely and utterly devoted to his stupid video games and some tv show on the computer. It's just rude because he literally spends no one on one time with Malcolm or me. Well, whatever he goes through phases where he does this whatever. Well now two days before I start school I go to buy my books and what do we have here. No money. Not enough money at least, and do we know why, why yes we do. My lovely husband decided that it was a great idea to buy an extension pack (I think thats what its called) for a video game. Not to mention that he already spent 70 dollars last weekend on video games because he got a gift card. Groovy. Do you know what he tells me, just order it when I get paid on Wednesday. Thats good and all EXCEPT! I have homework the day of class. So that doesnt work, now I get to pay twice the price.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I'll take one of those, and one of those.. ooooh oooh and one those and one of those

so you know how people will take a picture of a hair style and say I want the "Jennifer Aniston" (or whatever) well I want the Reese Witherspoon hair, Kate Hudson's eyes, Jessica Biel's nose, Angelina's lips, Salma Hayek's boobs, Alba's abs, Shakira's hips, Pinky's butt, and Jen Aniston's legs Thanks ♥ Me

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Starbucks Banana Bread You a LIAAAAUUHHH

Today was well, eggs on wheat tortilla for breakfast, quesadilla with my FAVORITE homemade salsa and soup, and my bean sprout and mushroom soup for dinner. Equaling out to 987 calories for the day. Well as I was on my last break from work, my friend from Starbucks threw me a piece of banana bread. I said oh no no, I can't eat that too many calories. She didn't think that it would hurt so I checked the nutrition facts but all I could find was the pumpkin bread. 320 calories. Well I guess that's not bad especially because it will be hard to not eat when I get home if I don't eat now. So I went ahead and had the piece of bread. Well, well, well, what do I notice after eating it? The full menu is on the inside of the booklet. Finally I locate banana bread. And what do we have here but 490 calories. FOUR HUNDRED NINETY calories for some bread that WASNT even that good. I was fuming at myself.

I cheated on myself or at least thats what I feel like. I still stayed under 1500 calories but it doesn't matter I admire Allan for trying to stay under 1000 and oh I have 13 calories left let me eat some bread. Jesus! So needless to say I wasn't too happy.

Well today I jumped on the scale and I was up 2 lbs. Which is close to impossible seeing as I worked my ass off and barely ate. But then I'm at work and guess who shows up TOM. Tom you devilish character!! You don't allow for very good weigh ins. I guess we just can't be cool! lol.

But anyways, my tummy is rumbling, I'm thirsty and I'm tired so I'm gonna hit the sack and wake up and hit the gym. God I love to work out. It is so therapeutic for me.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

As of late..

Well, I know I suck as of lately, havent really been blogging a lot but ya know the SOS, I've been busy, I've been tired, I just don't have the time.

HA!! Actually I just haven't been doing very good, I've been feeling all over the place and I've been eating all over the place. Good day bad day, back and forth. I'm cheating on my diet like Jesse James on Sandra. Too soon?

But from here on out, I'm having every intention of tracking my food, working out (hasn't been a problem yet), and not cheating. Do you know why I shouldn't cheat? Because cheaters never win sissy!!

Works really been dragging lately, and I bought new tennis shoes which are the shittiest pair of shoes I could have bought. Does anyone have any recommendations for shoes... some for comfort (I'm a cashier at Target and also work in the cafe part) because I'm on my feet all day. And also some to work out in. Right now I haven't been using the treadmill because of my knees, I was going to wait another 10-20 lbs before the treadmill becomes a regular in my regimen. But I do need some sort of good shoes.. Not too expensive because like I said, I work at Target.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Neck 15.25
RArm 15.5
LArm 16
RFArm 11.25
LFArm 11
Chest 43
Waist 41.5
Hips 51.5
RThigh 31
LThigh 30
RCalf 20
LCalf 19.5
Rankle 9
LAnkle 9

Monday, September 6, 2010

Oh where oh where can you be?

So it's been about a month of not journaling and feeling completely out of control to realize I need control. I need to blog, I need to excercise, I need to eat healthy... let's do some catching up with some realizations

Realization #1 Just because someone looks happy doesn't mean that they are.

A few weeks ago I went out with some girlfriends from work... we went to a local bar. Now briefly these girls seem so happy and confident (they are overweight about my size to be exact). So I thought hanging out with them might be good for my confidence... however, not at all what I thought. The whole time they were complaining!! The whole time! Whether it was about their bodies, their relationships or lack of, or being hungry, just anything. I sat amazed at these girls, which led into realization #2.

Realization #2 If you don't realize how lucky you are, perk up your ears and you will soon.

As I was listening to all this complaining I realized wow, Justin and I don't have those problems, wow I wouldn't look like that in that outfit (I would look phenomenal), I can resist the urge to order food when I'm at a restaurant and not fill up on greasy fries and onion rings. As all these things were making themselves evident my shoulders became pulled back, my head was held higher. I started to feel really great about myself. Now most people would say that is extremely selfish but it's really not when you think about it. All they allowed me to do was put things in perspective and realize that my life is not as bad as I like to imagine it being.

Realization #3 People give up in relationships far too easily.

Over the past couple of weeks I have spent a couple of nights out with friends and family. During this time I have come ti realize that people surrender in relationships far too easily and far too fast. For example, while hanging out with my sister, she mentioned thinking about getting a divorce because her husband won't quit smoking. Now this really gets to me because my brother (in law) gives in to just about everything she wants, puts his head down and does it. He really tries, sometimes he just doesn't get it but 9 times out of 10 what she wants is what goes. And now just because he is having a hard time quitting smoking after like 15 years she wants to divorce him (btw she quit 2 years ago). I mean he really is trying he even has medication from the doctor to quit. So I think that was just a poor excuse to run to the lawyers.

Realization #4 People do not respect others as they should... whatever happened to the "Golden Rule" we learned in kindergarten???

This past weekend was the yearly highly important carnival in my home city River Rouge. It used to be a lot of clean fun, boat races, baby contests, kareoke, and so on. Now it is all about secret drug deals and leaving the beer tent with someone to get lucky with. Well I decided I don't do drugs and I am married so hey why not check it out. Some of my old friends were up there. So I got my sexy on (dammit I'll post a picture later!! When my friends posts them) and headed up there. Sn: I went to the gym before everytime I went out these past weeks it boosts my confidence SO MUCH! So anyway, we were at the beer tent and when you're a beautiful woman as I am men (pigs) will literally drool all over you. My father was a cop before he passed away and all his old work buddies dropped their jaws when I walked in. How disrespectful. I grew up around you, you probably watched my dad change my freaking diaper ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! Well then throughout the night people were drunk and sloppy and rude. For one, you don't know me I will hurt you if you try to disrespect me. For two, your sloppy drunk and I am not I have much more control than you.

Realization #5 People in a relationship should not use certain words to demean their SO

After having been with Justin for 3 years he has taught me to not use certain words toward your significant other, words such as bitch or asshole. You should not use those words, however, I didn't really understad the important of this lesson until recently when my friend and her fiance got into it and he kept calling her a bitch. It is impossible to love someone and call them a bitch. It is so disrespectful, it is so demeaning. I just can't believe someone can love someone and talk to them in that way.

I think that is all for my realizations for right now...

I have been working my ass off at the gym, however food hasn't really fallen in line.. so hopefully it can all fall in place and we can be happy. I am seeing changes in my body just not on the scale.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010


Okay... so basically I suck... I suck a lot did I say I suck? I weighed in today and went up another pound. The only thing I am thankful for is that I know why... "late night snack we are going to have to break up"

As of late when I get home at night I eat my second dinner... well it's a Council dinner which means fried and cheesy. So I know that it 1. puts me over my calories 2. Makes me feel sick almost instantly 3. Does not promote weight loss

Monday, August 16, 2010

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

So today I decided I should tell the members of the band that I am not going to be in the band while I'm in school because I have a class the same day as practice. WELL.... obviously I'm not supposed to go to class because the way they made me feel tonight I wish I would have never joined.

I told Janet (other singer) at the beginning of practice and asked her if she would announce it because I felt so bad... (any time I am uncomfortable my throat closes) so she says "to herself" "I knew this was going to happen".. REALLY it's 10 weeks.. TEN! one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like it's not that long I'M COMING BACK... or at least I wanted to.. well they tried to figure out a day that we could switch practice to which I was fine with except that I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday nights bible study is Wednesday nights so we have Friday Saturday and Sunday. And I tried to explain to them when school starts... my day literally starts at 8am (well now earlier because of the gym) till 10 at night. I'm gonna start to run on E VERY soon. Well then the kicker Janet says to me "well yeah, you have a baby, a husband, a job, school, gym, animal shelter, and bible study of course you can't squeeze room in for the band" Like really? And the way she said it, it was more of a how dare you not squeeze in room for us??

Well, I said we might as well start practice, I still have about 4 practices. But then they started talking about the show this Sunday. Which wouldn't be a problem if they wouldn't have told me yesterday at church. So naturally on the day that I need off I work at 12. So there is no possible way that I can perform and make it to work on time.

So how dare I have a job!!

Well then I was singing for about the first 45 minutes... but with 3 singers its really packed up front.. and for some reason Janet worked on the song and now she is singing the same notes I'm singing, instead of harmonizing. So I thought hey maybe she did that because I'm leaving so I said "Well I might as well not sing" and she says "alright then go sit down" WOW WE ARE A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND you dont talk to people that way.

So I sat down and they literally just moved my mic out of the way and scooted their stuff closer together to like squeeze me out. Whatever.

We cut the practice a little short... well technically we went over (2.5 hours) but we didnt practice all of the songs. And on the way home all of a sudden all of these feelings of not belonging EVER really started to overwhelm me.

I've never belonged with my family. I've never felt better than them, I just felt different. They always care what people think and I never did, I only care about what I can do for people. I like to be the nice girl. I like to do things for people, take care of them, whatever they need. But I always get used. I always get hurt. No matter what I do for anyone I will never belong. So on the way I kept thinking don't eat when you get home, it's not going to fix anything. But when I got home I saw food and what did I do? I ate. I ate three piece of chicken, which would break down to about 4 ounces and rice with brocolli and cheese a pretty big helping. It wasn't a ton of food, but I ate it so fast thinking that it was going to give me a big hug.. and now I just feel like I'll never belong even more than before. Well, I'm gonna get going.. till next time.

Saturday, August 14, 2010

OMG picture HUBBY!

Ahh.. so recently I bleached my hair back to blonde... now it has been quite some time since I have been blonde... about two years or so, so naturally I was a little nervous..

this was my first attempt at bleaching my hair... except I used blonde dye not bleach and since color cannot penetrate through color I got bleach blonde roots...


This time I used this bleach called Super Blonde (works wonders!!)

I decided I should probably bleach it one more time....

After that I was still a little... eh about it so I decided to have my sister throw some highlights in it... I forgot to take a picture as soon as I got ready and I was out in the heat so my hair doesn't look as fabulous and I'm now in my pj's but I felt so beautiful today... I received so many compliments... I LOVED it!!

Justin got me flowers a couple of days ago...

They are yellow roses with red tips... symbolizing a friendship that turned into love.. now even though Justin and I weren't really friends before our relationship I love the idea of these roses...

He has been on a roll lately.. he inserted a beautiful card with the roses telling me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. Yesterday when I was at work he wrote me a poem and sent it to me.. he is so fabulous. I just don't know how I got so lucky sometimes.. I want to remember to write a post on him soon.. I just don't have the pictures and other good stuff right now to do it...

Also, tomorrow I am getting a gym membership!! I am so excited I am getting a year membership to our RAC center and it has a pool!! Love it! I really needed this because I can't do the dvd's right now my knees are just too messed up so hopefully my scale reflects the hardwork I plan to put in...

Until next time Ali

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Bottomless Pit

Okay... as of lately I have been hungry and I mean like "I want to eat all the time, I'm never full, gimme more gimme more" hungry. Everything I see I want to eat, everything I smell I want to eat, everything I hear cooking I want to eat. I watch like a dog food commercial and start to salivate... ok so its not THAT bad. But seriously I want to eat all the time and I don't know how to stop. OWWWW I just hit my knee turning to talk to Justin!! That's it I'm going to the doctor's... I will call tomorrow. Well, let's see where was I at?

So I find myself walking into the kitchen just to eat. Just to put something in my mouth (that didn't sound right) and I can't stop myself like I literally fight myself.. "EAT EAT EAT YOU'LL NEVER LOSE THE WEIGHT!!" "NO DON'T EAT THAT YOU'LL NEVER LOSE THE WEIGHT" I don't know WHAT triggered this behavior... I was doing great I'm making plans for my food and then I just throw up my hands and say EFF it! I want that beef jerkey so I'm going to eat it. AHH I need help. I also plan on looking up a gym with a pool because the way both of my knees are feeling I can't even work out... I need to start swimming so I get some kind of exercise going

STOP!! Do Not Enter!

So I went the wrong way on my weigh in this week... I can think of about 6 reasons but it really just comes down to I wasn't feeling it this week. I wasn't feeling like tracking all of my food, or even keeping track in my head, I wasn't feeling like working out this week, or making sure I just walked enough.

I put on 1.2 lbs this week... which I'm surprised it wasn't more, between all of my injuries and illnesses this week. I didn't do as bad as I thought though, and I can be okay with a 1 lb gain. It feels good to be okay with something!

This week I want to track all of my food and keep up with exercising so I can jump start again... wish me luck <3

Tuesday, August 10, 2010


So I was thinking recently and actually a couple of weeks ago but it took this long to remember to write and actually write about making goals for myself...

This is my dilemna... I want to lose a lot of weight but it seems like when I lose 5 lbs I'm satisfied with losing 5 lbs so I will slack a day or two.. and then the next 5 lbs slack a day or two... so what I was thinking is hey maybe I should write up some goals and like prizes when the goals are achieved... the other thing on that is because I am so tall my body seems like 15 doesn't make any kind of difference... so I'm thinking maybe I should do like every 20 lbs I lose... but then what if I get discouraged at like 13 lbs.. ya know.. what do you guys think.. should I make som goals... and if so how many lbs apart... I mean realistically I don't have the money to make them 5 lbs apart... so whatchya think???

Monday, August 9, 2010


It's my left knee it's extremely swollen I don't know if you can tell though.


I.... don't even know where I want to start this.

Well I guess I'll just dive right in... Yesterday we went canoeing... and it is like a family/friend thing my sister started I wanna say 5 or 6 years ago. Well everything in me kept telling me not to go... but I didn't want to miss it because I missed last year due to having like a 3 month old. Well, we started the day off great. I made myself an egg burrito on wheat with veggie sausage. I packed a veggie sausage in a bun, grilled squash and sweet potato, and a yogurt. Well, on the bus to the beginning of the trip I ate my yogurt. Throughout the trip I ate my veggies and then finally I ate my sausage.. I did really good with eating.. until I got home but we will get to that in a minute.. the beginning of my day:

Justin and I decided we were going to have him drive me there and I would drive someone's car back because I wasn't drinking.. well Justin ended up not going to work and so he could have even went canoeing. I got over it fast but whatever. So I wake him up I have about ten minutes before I have to leave and Justin says that he's not driving me because he didn't have to work last night so he's going to stay sleeping. So whatever to that also. Well, I forgot to get myself a water so I stopped at the store really quickly and grabbed a sugar free rip it and a big water. On my way out I walk to my car and see a big puddle of water from the sweating ice machine.. and I keep walking I walk in puddles all the BAM. I fall on my OTHER knee the one that isn't hurt. I can feel the pain through my whole being. I could not let anyone else fall like that especially when it was RIGHT by the handicapped spot.. so I go back inside to tell the man about it and all this anger boils up and I start to yell at him. But I stopped myself because ya know what, how can I be beautiful on the outside if I am not beautiful on the inside. I simply told him that he needed a sign out there and to have that cleaned up.

I leave the gas station and call Sara thinking I'm going to be late. She hasn't even passed the exit to my house on the freeway. So I'm ahead of them. Finally I get there my knee is swollen x 3... and it's in a lot of pain. Well, I find out that one of the couples really isn't here so Justin and I could have taken their canoe. Sara was supposed to pay me 40$ she ended up paying me 30 but in the rush of things I didn't make a big deal of it. So we start our canoe trip. and YAY I am the biggest person here so I try to make a joke out of it... because well that's what I do.

I am in the canoe with Lee C P and Dom and we're doing okay. I can tell one wrong thing said and Dom and I are going to severely bump heads. Well after the halfway point (which took like 4 hours because everyone just wanted to hang out I wanted to work out!) we flipped... now mind you Lee C P kept laying down and rolling around and all that but Dom decided to tell me that it was all my fault that we flipped because I'm so big and we were closer to the bottom of the lake. He just kept going and going. I told myself not to do it but I ended up crying a little bit... well we had a stop not too far after at my favorite place... the quarry it's a beautiful blue clear warm lake but I was too embarrassed that I was crying to even get out. So Dom decided to tell me some more on how he truly feels and that he was just stating how he felt well I don't really give a damn you asshole. So for the rest of the trip I drank A LOT thinking well not really thinking that we were still pretty far from the end. Well a lot of booze later and my sister telling me I needed to suck it up just because I fell (I didn't tell her what Dom said because I think she might have beat his ass...) so I just sat there quietly the rest of the time. Lee C didn't talk to him either, so Dom spent the rest of his day bitching some more... then we got to the end and I realized how drunk I was and that I had to drive 40 minutes so I left hoping that it hadn't all hit me yet.. and it took me a little bit longer to get home this time...

Finally I got home and started drinking a lot of water to balance out the alcohol and started to eat Mrs. Council had made lasagna and I hate probably two heaping helpings which was way too much and then I passed out... between the booze and the actual trip and all over my injuries I endured I was exhausted. My whole body hurts today. I'm pissed off and last but not least sick to my stomach with all of this extra food and foreign substance in me..

Saturday, August 7, 2010

I really thought that it was a great idea!

So today I decided that I should probably bite the bullet and buy a bathing suit for tomorrow's canoeing trip. Mainly because all I have are two pieces (from before Malcolm) and also because well I don't think they are going to fit me. So today Sara and I went to Target just to see if they had any bathing suits in my size..

Well Target had only like 3 suits in big girl size and they weren't pretty so we walked down the strip mall to TJ Maxx (I am not going to spend a lot of money on a suit because I feel the same way: that I won't be wearing this size for long) Tj Maxx had an extremely cute suit that was like 15 bucks YES!! I thought my shopping trip was over I would try it on just to make sure it looked ok and then we could head outta here and go to the Farmer's Market... so I go in the dressing room and I try on a size 24 one piece really cute suit


It BARELY goes over my legs and it looks like it is cutting circulation off of my thighs. So I move onto the next one same size: I was trying to find a pic but can't but it's pretty much like the previous but it's a halter... this one I was extremely excited about. I really like myself in a halter.... So I put one foot in, then the other and then... NOTHING I couldn't even pull the freaking suit up it was so small on me. Seriously I don't understand the way sizes work...

I don't feel that big. I don't think that I need a size 30 (do they even make that size) but it seems like I do.. why do I not feel that big.. and how is it possible that I'm 25 lbs smaller than I was before and it seemse like I'm even bigger. I just dont understand this. So then I said I'm done with this store and we headed to DEB. I thought there has to be something in here.

We get there and I'm looking around and what do I SEE!!! NOTHING They have like 4 bathing suit tops and then nothing! I couldn't believe it. I guess it's a little late but I think that you should be able to buy swim suits all year round because people do indoor swim...

So then Sara says to me "you could always get a cute tank top and shorts.." Just wondering but why am I going to get a cute outfit to go canoeing? I don't buy myself clothes regularly. Why would I buy something special to be outside all day? Needless to say, I came home in tears, skipped out on the farmer's market and went home. When Justin asked how it went I burst into tears... he is waiting for me to go over and talk to him.

I'm going to tell him what happened probably crying the whole time trying to get it out and he is going to rub my should and say its ok.. well ya know what... it's not ok... not at all. I should not be like this at 21 years old.. I should have known better.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Wanna burn some calories?

So I told myself I would start working out this week... and what happens???

I wake up late for work so I pour myself a bowl of Fiber One for on the way to work. I get to work and man my stomach is acting up.. lemme head to the bathroom... well turns out that the Fiber One I ate messed my stomach up and loosened my bowels so much that I was on the toilet all day.. and ended up with hemorrhoids. How embarrassing! How terrible, I don't even want to admit to that lol. So alas I could not work out for two more days... I really wanted to get a massage today but I was still um.. sore.. lol

Well, I went way over my calories today and just ate pretty random... I went about 400 over my calories... which is well a lot.. I didn't expect that I had went over it by that much.. I really tried to plan my meals today, I guess I just need to keep working at it.

Ha ha, my brother in law just told me that he reads my blog so here's a shout out to him:


Any who, I hope that I can really stick to this.. tomorrow I plan to take Malcolm for a bike ride... we will see how that goes because... he doesn't cooperate very well and I don't know how my backside is going to feel so maybe I will just take him for a walk instead.

Can anyone think of some good exercises that a child wouldn't mind participating in? I only have like 2 followers, I think it would probably help if I had more followers to give me more opinions... but hey I need some help here ok!

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Who has two thumbs and liked the scale this morning??


So this morning I got up and weighed myself... I had that nervous what is the scale going to say because I ate like poop and didn't work out and excited WHAT IS THAT SCALE GOING TO SAY!

I stepped on the scale oh and what did it say? It said I'm out of the 270's WOO HOO!! I weighed in at 266.8 which puts me at about 4.8 lb weight loss for this week... TAKE THAT COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM THAT TASTED SO GOOD AND I HAD A HARD TIME PUTTING DOWN!!!

I don't know how I did it... I'm thinking it was the water that helped keep my metabolism up so it allowed me to lose without working out. But that kind of makes me sad... do you realize what I could have lost with working out? Probably like 27 lbs!! Ok not really 27 but geez. lol

You know that is definitely one thing I like about my body, if I try to lose weight it literally just melts off, but I get so caught up with what I can't have than with what I am getting, what I am accomplishing. So with that being said, I think that I am going to set minor goals... and rewards when I get to those goals...

I am going to try to post them later but right now I can't deny Malcolm anymore! So until later!!

Monday, August 2, 2010


When someone yells "Fore" at a golf course it means watch out!! A ball is off the track!

This past week I have been that ball. I have not eaten properly and have not gotten any excercise in. I have noticed an incredible amount of decreased energy, fatigue, and just in general crappiness. I can't believe I have never connected the two. Yeah sure I've read about it but I never actually did it with my own body.. Well now I did and now I know.

Eating healthy and working out is just a step to reaching optimum performance. So I dragged my old spark page back out and will be tracking my food and excercising hopefully everyday but at least 5 times a week. It doesn't have to be a strict regimen but my body needs to move, to stretch, to be freed.

I woke up today and weighed myself and I was disappointed to see 274. Which means I gained about 3.5 lbs. So I need to put my pep back into my step. I am tracking my food as soon as I get off of here. For breakfast:

.4 cups of egg beaters
2 tblsp Chi chi's salsa
whole weat tortilla
Dannon Light and Fit Banana yogurt

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

Trip to the Farmer's Market

So today Justin and I stopped at the Farmer's Market for the FIRST TIME... I didn't realize how inexpensive it is. Today we got in order from left to right: Fiji Apples, Brussel Sprouts, Butter Lettuce (apparently it's the same as Boston lettuce???), Sweet potatoes, Avocado, Spinach, Portabellos, Plums, Nectarines, Blackberries, Raspberries, and Bananas for $14!! I was really shocked!

Catching Up

So here is a list of things to catch up on:

Playstation 3
Eating Healthy at gatherings
Working Out (or lack of)
Losing Weight through this past week

See I have to write a list and I think I might do that from now on because it is getting difficult to write all I want bceause I forget all the topics I want/need to hit.

So basically this past week we recieved two cards in the mail for our wedding adding up to $450 then we both got paid... lemme just say I work at Target and he at Kroger, so it's not a glamour job or anything or big time pay... but hey I'm finishing up with school soon so whatev. Anyway we had about $1100 including the cards. Well, we had to get the car a tune up and buy some school supplies for the church's donation. Other than that I thought we would pay some past bills, that way we don't have to live with his parents forever. Well, I THOUGHT we had agreed on paying bills. However when I got home I saw that he maybe didn't feel the same way, because sitting in the middle of the floor was his new PS3 and game. Which pretty much took half that money. So of course I am angry. "I thought we were going to pay the phone bill with that money?" I said to him... his response: "I know your not talking about spending money, you spend all of our money at Target." Ok so maybe he has a little bit of a point. Over time I think I have spent that much at Target but you know what? That was over a 9 month period not in one day. Also, I buy all of Malcolm's things from Target, diapers, wipes, clothes, shoes, etc. So I mean I guess SOME of my purchases are validated. Well whatever, I got over him buying it.. but then he presents me with a video game usage agreement. On days that we both have off he gets up to 8 hours, days that 1 of us works he gets 3 hours and days that both of us work 1 hour. And after 2 hours of playing an hour break has to be taken. Oh also any game time that is spent overnight doesn't count towards the running tally hmm let's see.. so he works midnights so any days that he doesn't work he stays up all night so that he can maintain hours.. what do you think is going to keep him up all night... so he can officially play for about 16 hours in one day. Isn't that great how he figured that one out. Ya know what though, I signed it. I'm not going to beg him to spend time with me. I am my own person. I know my son will always want to spend time with me. I don't really need him to HAVE to spend time with me. So he can make his own choices, our choices are what determine the future.

Our Choices Creates Our Destiny
Destiny is not a matter of chance,
it is a matter of choice.
It is not a thing to be waited for,
it is a thing to be achieved."
William Jennings Bryan, 41st Secretary of State

Therefore if he wants to achieve a perfect or close to it relationship then he has to make that choice.

Moving on, so this past Saturday we had Jeremy's (Justin's brother) graduation party. Oh I was so excited I told myself that I would let loose for one day and eat because I have been doing really well... well I definitely let loose. I had a sausage, pasta salad, baked beans, creamy jalapeno dip, pinwheels, and cheese and crackers and drank like 3 cans of pop.

I felt so sick after eating all of that and knew that I shouldn't have, I couldn't even eat the rest of the day I was so full. The next day our power went out so I couldn't cook anything. I ended up with more pinwheels (not healthy ones may I remind you). I tried eating decently the rest of the week. We went out to eat 3 times this week and we NEVER go out to eat. I thought for SURE my weight wasn't lowering any.

I also thought this because I haven't really been working out. When we dropped the car off we walked about three miles there and back to get some breakfast while we waited. Other than that my knee has been bothering me quite a bit so I have really reduced my working out. I'm going to walk and Jordan today though... as long as Malcolm cooperates... it's too hard to take him with because umbrella stroller plus rough terrain don't work well together. I also have been kinda keeping my work clothes on after I work out and for all you ladies you know what that means... so I have been taking it easy.. it's kinda gross to think about but whatever.

Sunday was our performance. I was so excited but then the day of came and I was really nervous. I started getting my nervous stomach cramps but I kept telling myself it's just another practice and besides I'm singing for God not for the HUNDRED people that are here. Yeah thats in the next paragraph for why I am shouting 100. So we went up did our thing, and everyone told me they couldn't hear me singing. So I told Janet (the other singer) to turn my mic up guess what lovely decided to do? She turned hers up and didn't touch mine. She is a tenor which pretty much naturally makers her louder, or at least in my experience. But ya know what I'm going to let it go, that's just one performance the next will be better and I now know how to operate the mic system on my own. Other than that we did very well. Everyone said what a joy it was seeing my face up there (our church is all older people I'm the youngest by more than 20 years).

So that same day we had a gathering for our new pastor. Pastor Cindy. We had a big potluck in our gathering hall. Which I truly believe that is the only reason everyone was there. Because there was food. Really, like people will only come to church if they get free food out of it? In the case they should be coming to Sunday school because we have cake and punch and they should be coming to all the other gatherings also because we always have snacks.. but you know what they don't. Our church is usually about 40-50 people. We doubled that because of the band and because of unlimited food.. well you know what THEY SHOULD ALL BE ASHAMED OF THEMSELVES. God will forgive but our church family won't forget the ridiculousness you call religion and faith.

So to end this post I wanted to say after all that eating and lack of work out I lost .6 of a lb. Hey it's a loss I'LL TAKE IT!

Thursday, July 22, 2010

When the going gets tough the tough walks 3 more miles

So today I woke up SO excited to get a lot of excercising in for the day. I got my work out clothes on (my new work out clothes that didnt fit when I bought them but do now!!!) and took Malcolm for a 3 mile bike ride. Go me!

Well, I still need to change some stuff into my new name after getting married. So I went up to the bank with Malcolm. It took a little longer than I thought and Malcolm was acting up really bad because it was nap time. Well turns out that Justin needed to be present to change my name also... I don't understand why, but whatever. So now I am aggrivated because it's going to be hard enough to get Justin to go up there just to sign his name but then the manager tells me it has to be done today.

So I grab Malcolm and walk out, well while I'm putting him in the car I hear "hey" now on normal circumstances I can recognize the voice but this time I didn't so I look up and see a guy hanging out of his beat down truck and he calls out to me all but politely "Fatass" and here comes flooding back to me all the memories from getting picked on when I was younger.

Like really I deserved a fat ass? Because why? My ass is large? too large? Or is that just a term of endearnment you use for all those random strangers you had nothing better to do than bother.

So needless to say at this time I'm now feeling pretty down and thinking to myself.. whats the point? This is going to take forever, I could fail, I will always be that "fatass". But you know what. I dont care what you think. I dont care what you say.

I am my own person living my own life. Am I happy? For the most part, are there things to improve on? Heck yeah. Will I ever be perfect? No, because perfection only exists in Jesus our Lord. So you know what I might be a fat ass but and I say BUT I at least have the decency to keep my unhappiness to myself. I don't spread it around like an infectious disease.

I will pick my head right back up and go through the rest of my day. Walk 3 miles to go get my brother, come home and eat a sensible lunch and then have band practice. You know what I won't do though? I won't think about that man that called me a fatass.

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Knee injury, lost mojo, I miss my husband

So about 4 years ago now (and this is the only explanation I have) I fell on my knee. I hurt it pretty bad but being the stubborn bafoon that I am I decided not to go to the doctors.. It didn't bother me for a long time but as of late everytime I do my 30DS I am in agonizing pain from and knee workout. It's right above my knee and it feels kinda how when your elbow needs to pop but it hurts to push it... anyone know that pain? Well I keep taking days off of working out because it just hurts so bad and then it hurts the following day when I'm on my feet all day at work.

Tonight I decided I would start my workouts again because my knee was only bugging me a little bit. Well I started out and not even 5 minutes into it me knee was in excrutiating pain and kept going out. So I think I'm going to stick with cardio bike riding and walking for right now because it's obvious that I can't really keep doing this to myself.

When I stop working out (bad excuse) for a couple days I have a hard time following good eating habits, so I guess that means I'm very black and white. So lately I've been slacking with my workouts and my eating plan. I havent put on any weight but I havent lost any either, and I dont know about you guys but when I dont see changes on the scale it is really discouraging and the "this is never going to happen, I will never change" mindset starts coming back.

But you know what I am going to wake up early tomorrow at 6 that way I can get a work out in (walking and biking) before I go to work. My weigh in is tomorrow I hope it's not as disastrous as I think it's going to be.

I really hate being myself sometimes. I feel like I want to be proud of my accomplishments but then I look at myself and think "wow how can I be proud when I look and feel the way I do" I look and feel tired all the time. I can't be proud of myself if everything isn't good. I'm not good with small rewards... my small accomplishments are usually ones that people would consider huge say oh I dunno 30 lbs I might consider an accomplishment. I need to learn how to appreciate every little amazing thing I do. Some day I hope to be able to do just that.

Lately Justin has been working and so have I on top of all of my religious duties. I am in a Praise Band and practice Mondays and Thursdays have church Sunday and have Bible Study on Wednesday nights. So basically by the time I am getting home Justin has left for work and Malcolm is sleeping. I'm sick of this. I want my family back. I want to be able to lounge around with them sleep in the same bed at the sime time as my husband... I'm starting to really be depressed about it.... well tonight he has off so I am going to take full advantage.... until next time loves!

Sunday, July 18, 2010

Gerard Butler so close I can taste it


Ok thats enough yelling for me. Seriously though I really am upset I am a huge fan and lately I have been having like premonitions, sounds stupid believe I know. But I knew that I would have an opportunity to meet him. I KNEW IT. There are many other premonitions but I'll just focus on this one for right now. I knew I was going to have an opportunity. Well, yesterday my boss was talking about how she was going to a kareoke bar with her friends and I thought wow that sounds fun. And I had a feeling that I really needed to be there, but because I dont like my boss I decided to keep my mouth shut. (Everyone at work is friends and we all hang out). WELL it turns out that they got there and about 30 minutes later Gerard Butler and Demi Moore walk in and Gerard performed like four songs.. even PLAYING A GUITAR... omg. I have been crying for oh.. about an hour... I held it off while I was at church but other than that... nope. Came right back and was just as upset.. I think I'm going to ride my bike to return these movies that we rented.. itll get me a six mile ride in for the day.. as long as the rain holds over.. well that's all for the day.. I might come back and post again later on...

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Long Time No Talk To...

It's been awhile since I have been on here..

Justin got a new job and so all his free time is spent on the computer.. so it's not my fault I swear!! He works at Kroger as a night clerk... so excited! It's a start lol

So as of late I had a couple slip ups with eating the in laws went to Just Baked and brought home a couple different kinds of cupcakes.. I stayed true to my diet for abouut 4 days with the cupcakes staring at me everytime I entered the kitchen. Finally only s'more was left, and I came home one night after a stressful day at work... and ate it and the continued to move on and eat a biscuit with honey and a handful of fries. Ya know what, it wasn't even good. I was so upset and disappointed but ya know what I learned that it wasn't that great. The next morning I ate a 90 calorie Fiber One bar and that was WAY better. I never crave chocolate but that night I had and that cupcake didn't get rid of my craving however that Fiber One bar did wonders.

Yesterday we went by Target and by Target is one of my favorite restuarants Moe's Southwest Grill, and I told Justin let's eat out for the night and thats what we did and ya know what... that one was SO worth it. But I realized a big menu change that I cna have there.. I don't really like meat and there is meatless choice thats not only healthier but is cheaper... so definitely know where my eyes will be headed next time.

I lost about 2 lbs this week which I can't complain with that after eating the cupcake and everything else so... WOO HOO

I need to figure out some workouts that are low impact on my knee because my knee from 30DS has really been bothering me... I'm on level 2 3rd day today and I hope I can make it lol..

SOO EXCITING Gerard Butler, Martin Sheen, and Richard Gere are all in Detroit like down the street from my old house... lemme just say that I LOVE Gerard Butler and.. eugh I just cant even talk about it... I would do almost anything.. no anything..

Friday, July 9, 2010

It's a new dawn It's a new day It's a new life For me

So I woke up today for work... (btw it was hard getting out of bed with all these late nights of working out..) and I realized that this time I've had it.. there is no turning back

I REFUSE to be a victim of my own body.
I REFUSE to not live a full and happy life.
I REFUSE to not love myself for the person inside and out.
I REFUSE to not take pictures.
I REFUSE to fuss over myself anymore.
I REFUSE to make excuses on why I am the way I am.

I am taking time for myself everyday, time to make my meals, to work out, and to love myself.

Well now that it's late enough, Malcolm is sleeping, and I'm getting tired I'm going to work out.. does anyone know if it's bad to work out so late at night? That's when I really like to work out I just can't get motivated before night time.. love always Ali

It's the worlds greatest, Yo,
It's the worlds greatest, Come on,
Worlds Greatest, Ever

I am a mountain
I am a tall tree
Oh, I am a swift wind
Sweepin' the country
I am a river
Down in the valley
Oh, I am a vision
And I can see clearly
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it mmm
I'm the worlds greatest

I am a giant
I am an eagle
I am a lion
Down in the jungle
I am a marchin' band
I am the people
I am a helpin' hand
And I am a hero
If anybody asks u who I am
Just stand up tall look 'em in the Face and say

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
I made it
I'm the worlds greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my backs against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the worlds greatest

In the ring of life I'll reign love
(I will reign)
And the world will notice a king
(Oh Yeah)
When all is darkest, I'll shine a light
(Shine a light)
And use a success you'll find in me

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

It's the greatest
Can you feel it
It's the greatest
Can you feel it

[Repeat * while:]
I saw the light
At the end of a tunnel
Believe in the pot of gold
At the end of the rainbow
And faith was right there
To pull me through, yeah
Used to be locked doors
Now I can just walk on through
Hey, uh, hey, hey, hey
It's the greatest
I'm that star up in the sky

I'm that star up in the sky
I'm that mountain peak up high
Hey, I made it
I'm the world's greatest
And I'm that little bit of hope
When my back's against the ropes
I can feel it
I'm the world's greatest

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Now all I have to do is work on stage presence

Ahh... yesterday felt good, I took a break from my routine.. even though it's only been a week I knew if I kept going I was going to really re-injure my knee. I decided to take the day off I didn't overindulge in food or anything I just didn't work out. Well close to bed time the guitarist of the Praise Band I joined called and said that we are going to be performing 5 songs on the 25th of this month in front of the whole church..

Well I've been practicing the songs (if I haven't said this yet I am the lead singer) however this is my first week. Well I did pretty good at learning all 5 songs.. but I realized while practicing that I had a hard time walking down the aisle to get married how in the worl am I going to perform in front of people while I'm the person they are really listening to. Oh my. See I used to have a lot of confidence to perform in front of people when I was a lot smaller as in skinnier not really younger. However, now that I look the way I do, I'm not as confident. So I started freaking out.

Today was the end of my first week of my journey and I stepped on the scale and guess what it said 276.4 which means in the first week I have lost 5 lbs.. and you know what that wasn't that hard. I just have to do it 20 more times THATS IT! Can you believe it I am one step closer to my goal.

Today was an unbelievably hot day and my brother in laws wanted to walk to the store (not even half a mile) so I walked about a mile today and then did day 6 of the 30 Day Shred it was hard I was extremely tired today and had a really bad headache but as I was contemplating taking another day off. I realized this is where it starts it starts with taking one day off then the next.. and next thing you know I'm watching tv and eating twinkies (I actually don't like twinkies but I thought it fit best) so I walked right down those stairs without anyone telling me or making me feel guilty and worked out.. it was a pretty good workout... I had a pretty bad headache so I took extra strength tylenol and worked out but only did half the jumping jacks and jump rope, it just hurt too badly...

Now most of the time I would be bummed that I've only lost 5 lbs but you know what it's been one week ONE.. and that is a lot of weight for one week I just have to keep telling myself it's not an overnight process. I truly never understood why so many people say that all the time, but now I fully understand how discouraging it can be when it feels like next year is forever away, but you know what I have to remember it might now be a year till I hit my goal weight but the whole time my body is shrinking and I as a person am growing.. love always Ali

Monday, July 5, 2010

A Creed To Live By

Don't undermine your worth by comparing
yourself with others.
It is because we are different that each of us is special.
Don't set your goals by what other people
deem important.

Only you know what is best for you.
Don't take for granted the things closest to your heart.
Cling to them as you would your life, for without them
life is meaningless.

Don't let your life slip through your fingers
by living in the past or for the future.
By living your life one day at a time,
you live all the days of your life.

Don't give up when you still have something to give.
Nothing is really over until the moment you stop trying.
Don't be afraid to admit that you are less than perfect.
It is this fragile thread that binds us to each other.
Don't be afraid to encounter risks.

It is by taking chances that we learn how to be brave.
Don't shut love out of your life by saying it's impossible to find.
The quickest way to receive love is to give love.
The fastest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly;
and the best way to keep love is to give it wings.
Don't dismiss your dreams.

To be without dreams is to be without hope;
to be without hope is to be without purpose.
Don't run through life so fast that you forget
not only where you've been, but also where you're going.
Life is not a race, but a journey to be savored
each step of the way.

Leftover, Rockstars, Sloth like tendencies

Ahh today started out with a bang... I told myself forget about yesterday that was one day ONE day, it does not dampen your chance at success and health. I told myself I'm gonig to make sure I get on that bike do a couple miles and do my day 5 of the 30 day shred. Well at around 12 Justin tells me he is taking Jordan to Gamestop, I decided I would go to that way I could pick some Tums up at the store (heartburn for like 3 days this implanon better be up and kicking still) and so we were off. We stayed at the mall for about an hour so by now it's about 2 o clock and I decided that I needed to wait for Malcolm to wake up from his nap to take my bike ride because he really enjoys going... after his nap of course.

Well Malcolm finally wakes up around 2:45 and I'm ready to go get some exercise in for the day. As my wheels are turning on how many miles I'm going to go Mr. Coucnil (Justin's dad) tells me that at the dollar show they already have Eclipse (Twilight) playing. The she starts at 4... Wheels keep on turning and I think hey it's about 3 miles to the movie theatre so I can get 6 miles in AND see the movie I have been dying to see for some time now.. So I get ready to tell them I'm leaving and Mrs. Council tells me that she thought I was making the potato salad for dinner tonight... WHOOPS... guess I forgot about her going to buy all the ingredients like the little sweetheart that she is.

So I march back downstairs and began my cooking adventure thinking, "how long could it possibly take to make potato salad?" Well it takes about an hour.. so no movies for me because it is now dinner time. We sit down and have a nice family dinner, after it's done everyone walks away and I realize.. hmm they aren't going to clean that up.. Guess it's up to me. So I clean up the table and do the dishes and by now it's about 6:30 where does the time go?!? I realize that there is absolutely no way that I'm going to get in time to work out before Praise Band. And I jump in the shower.

I head out to Praise Band extremely nervous because I know that I will be performing in front of people, even if it's only members of the band, they are still people. I don't do people. lol. Well it turned out to be A LOT of fun that I was not expecting and ya know what.. they were really open to new ideas for instance one of my favorite Christian songs "Kamikaze" by Five Iron Frenzy.. needless to say I'm excited for what we can do.

So finally we get out of there at around 9:30 and being that the Council's have an important role in the church I decided to tell them all about the practice.. wasting more time eh.. whatever.. and now it's around 10:30 and I'm beat to work out or not to work out that is the question??

I told myself that I have to work out because nothing will ever change if I give myself a chance to not let it change. However, I tell myself just look on blogspot, see if anyone posted, anything to get out of working out. And do you know what I come across this wonderful blog that I am following and it is very inspiring. I was looking at before and after pictures of her and realize I have those same pictures just the opposite direction.. But the cycle is not done. I have to get back. Until tomorrow Ali

Sunday, July 4, 2010


Justin and I send each other poetry, whether it be poems that we write ourselves or poems that we find on the internet or in a book.. while looking for one to send him I came across a fabulous website with lots of inspiring and motivational poetry... here is one of them:

here is inside you
all of the potential
to be whatever you want to be,
all of the energy
to do whatever you want to do.

Imagine yourself as you would like to be,
doing what you want to do,
and each day, take one step
towards your dream.

And though at times it may seem too
difficult to continue,
hold on to your dream.

One morning you will awake to find
that you are the person you dreamed of,
doing what you wanted to do,
simply because you had the courage
to believe in your potential
and to hold on to your dream.

Claustrohphobic The food is closing in!!

Today we went to Justin's aunt's house. I knew there was going to be food so I tried to plan accordingly.

Well last night she called and asked if I could make a cake, at first I said no I didn't have the ingredients nor the time.. however I ended up feeling bad so I decided I would make the cake... but it had to be an eggless cake. Wooh... have any of you tried to make an eggless cake... if you have I BET your first attempt wasn't a success. Well I could be wrong but I'm basing it off of my experience and my mad cake making skills. So I made the cake, obviously I had to taste it to make sure it tasted ok I more than tasted it I took probably 10 bites which is a lot in my mind... well well "pepsi chocolate cake" you are not to shabby.. Next morning I make my chocolate frosting (had to taste a couple of bites because I've never made chocolate before) and began getting excited for the decorating part... well I put my first bit of frosting on and it won't spread or stick to the cake... hmm... ok well maybe it was too thick (I made it thicker than usual because we were going to be outside...) so I thinned it just a little bit.. nope still not sticking and by this time it's just ruining my cake.

However, I gave myself two options: I could throw the towel in now, or I could try to make cake balls... so I was proud to perservere and not give up I start making my balls (cake crumbled and frosting mixed dipped in chocolate and cooled) and low and behold they are not forming as well as I thought they would. So I put them in the fridge but as soon as I put them in the melted chocolate they start melting all over the place.. IN THE GARBAGE YOU MUST GO I've had enough! It took me a minute but I regained my composure, went upstairs got ready thought I looked pretty fabulous.. I keep forgetting to do pictures and we leave.

We get there and I scope out the food so I can make good decisions.. TIME TO EAT!!

I grab my plate and I see that they are the oval really thick paper plates (you know which ones I'm talking about) well they're HUGE. This is a bad sign.. I'll just get a hamburger and some salad no dressing.. but then I see the kids digging into the macaroni and cheese and oohhh its so gooey and cheesy so I load that onto my plate and the pasta salad just a little bit of that won't hurt, oh and I need to get me legumes in, so baked beans heads toward my plate. By the time I sit down I have a full plate. I eat it so fast that I don't even have time to consider stopping before my plate is empty. Great. I just consumed a lot of calories more than I was allowed for the day. THEN I do the unthinkable and head in for more pasta salad... mmm carbs you and I would make the perfect couple. Like Whitney and crack or Britney and a razor...

So by now I can barely breathe and I am disgusted with myself... I hate feeling like this.. But ya know what I'm going to go home and ride the bike and work out... so on the way home Malcolm is extremely fussy and we get home he stays up for about another hour, so now that it's 10 oclock he is ready for bed and everyone else is ready to light fireworks... well I like my life so I decided to not go ride my bike because of the dangers that fireworks can have.

As I take Malcolm to the bed I stop at the scale (I know I know... I should only do this about once a week and in the morning after everything has settled, but I'm addicted) I weigh myself at least 5 times a day and I know that the weight is going to fluctuate but I tell ya everytime it's even .1 higher I get extremely discourage.. so I jump on the scale what do ya know SIX lbs higher than this morning which means I consumed SIX lbs of food and liquid today.. I didn't realize it was that much, it's just crazy to me.. so now I feel even more discouraged...

But ya know what I didn't get this size overnight and I won't be my goal size overnight. I will not falter I will not fail.. until tomorrow Ali

I Thee Wed

So I have now been married for 2 weeks... do I feel that some strange secret married club accepted me finally? No I feel the exact same.. I thought our whole relationship was going to change, "haha you're stuck with me now, you have to make me happy". Can I get a big fat FALSE to that one. We have been getting along for the most part... but lately he stopped sleeping in the same bed (you have to understand me= extremely clingy, Justin= eh not so much), we have been fighting a little more than usual, and we have been doing more things together, but not just solely him and I. So let's put a list of pros and cons of the married life

We can't just say "I quit" whenever we get a little frustrated..
It would be more expensive to not be together whether than bicker about the smalls things we buy
We get more for food stamps (so ghetto of me but HEY I'm the only one working)
I have finally found someone that loves me for the wonderful bitchy woman that I am

We can't just say "I quit" whenever we get a little frustrated..
We expect things from each other and can now say "I'm your wife you have to" whenever we want and truly believe that is law
Each other's family= sometimes not so great..
I'm the sole provider for a family of three making minimum wage and not getting 40 hours... (I guess that could be on either side)

I think that's all I can think of right now..

So I started this weight journey thinking "oh this is going to be soo easy" yeah that was not so true... I've been struggling already and it's only day 4. I eat fine throughout the day and then I come home from work and I feel like I'm starving. I look at the clock and it tells me I should be in bed but alas... grumble grumble gurgle I am hungry... just 1 slice of pizza won't hurt.. WHAT 1 slice of pizza is at least 250 calories... but it smells and looks soo good... yeah but you'll have worked out for nothing today if you eat that... but pizza is my weakness if I have just 1 slice I won't want any junk for the rest of the week... okay but don't say I didn't say "I told you so"

Those dreaded words, the argument within between thin vs fat continue on but fat always dominates.. I can't stand it anymore! Guilt overthrows me as soon as I swallow the last bite.. and I have to go to bed a failure once again.. I need help with this, a stronger will power, motivation to show me that it will all be worth it in the end... I'm not starving myself but sometimes I feel like I'm depriving myself of all the ooey gooey good food.

Eh, I will not give up, I will not falter.. I'm just hoping that I can tell fatty in my head that.

It was nice blogging my first post on here, have to get going eat breakfast and go to church love always Moi!