Seriously.

I've been an emotional roller coaster for the past month or so. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, hurt, alone. Malcolm is too young to understand how his mommy feels, and I don't let him see me upset. I don't know what's been going on. I feel so lost, or like I'm in a tunnel with that bright light at the end, but the tunnel never ends. It just keeps going. I didnt think a tunnel that long would show the bright ending with all the angles of distance and such.

I've been super busy with school and work of course. I only have two weeks left. Woot!!

Today I went to my mom's house today. I was hanging out with all my neices and my mom, and I forgot why I can't stand my mother's boyfriend. So my mother and Fred (her bf) make the kids sit in one room in the back of the house and play the wii, when they get tired of playing the wii they watch tv, when they get tired of tv they have to play the wii. If they come up to the kitchen or the living room they get yelled at and chased with a belt to go back into the back room. It was so ridiculous that I wanted to leave. However, I could not leave with out getting into a fight with my sister DUH! So my sister Lisa comes over and she asks my mom about "the cannoli recipe" and the pipes to make the shells

SN: we are Italian and have a cannoli recipe in the family. I have asked my mother for this recipe time after time and she has told me no.

"HOLD ON you're giving Lisa the recipe? and you wouldn't give it to me???"

"What are you talking about?? I never said you couldn't have the recipe?"

"I have asked youd for 3 years and you have always said no."

"Well fine I'll give you a copy of it too"

"Can I have like 5 pipes out of the 30 that you have so that I can make the shells also?"

"No, I'm not giving any of the pipes out your grandfather made those for your grandmother. You guys will have to figure something else out."

Later tonight I called my oldest sister Sara and we are chatting about whatever and she tells me how Lisa got the pipes for the cannolis ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Like seriously are you fucking kidding me. Lisa is the most irresponsible stupid person I have ever met. So now I'm pissed.

I get home and I show Justin's mom the recipe she got really excited and did a nice little happy dance. Well then I go and pick Justin up from work and I get all excited and do a grand entrance to show him the recipe. As soon as I pull the recipe out he realizes what it is and as I'm cheering says "I still want your moms".

Like seriously did you think before you said that. He has this way of making me feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough EVER. Then he has the nerve to get mad at me. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I get mad at him and so gets mad at me, knowing that I am weak and do not like people mad at me. I hate it, it makes me feel like he is taking advantage of me. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do..

I joined Allan's challenge, not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing exactly but he emailed me with 128 ounces per day mimimum 167 ounces to get the full effect
of the 1925 calories per day you are allowed

Not quite sure I understand, Allan if you could explain that would be wonderful love!!

Well, now I have to get going <3