So today I decided I should tell the members of the band that I am not going to be in the band while I'm in school because I have a class the same day as practice. WELL.... obviously I'm not supposed to go to class because the way they made me feel tonight I wish I would have never joined.
I told Janet (other singer) at the beginning of practice and asked her if she would announce it because I felt so bad... (any time I am uncomfortable my throat closes) so she says "to herself" "I knew this was going to happen".. REALLY it's 10 weeks.. TEN! one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like it's not that long I'M COMING BACK... or at least I wanted to.. well they tried to figure out a day that we could switch practice to which I was fine with except that I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday nights bible study is Wednesday nights so we have Friday Saturday and Sunday. And I tried to explain to them when school starts... my day literally starts at 8am (well now earlier because of the gym) till 10 at night. I'm gonna start to run on E VERY soon. Well then the kicker Janet says to me "well yeah, you have a baby, a husband, a job, school, gym, animal shelter, and bible study of course you can't squeeze room in for the band" Like really? And the way she said it, it was more of a how dare you not squeeze in room for us??
Well, I said we might as well start practice, I still have about 4 practices. But then they started talking about the show this Sunday. Which wouldn't be a problem if they wouldn't have told me yesterday at church. So naturally on the day that I need off I work at 12. So there is no possible way that I can perform and make it to work on time.
So how dare I have a job!!
Well then I was singing for about the first 45 minutes... but with 3 singers its really packed up front.. and for some reason Janet worked on the song and now she is singing the same notes I'm singing, instead of harmonizing. So I thought hey maybe she did that because I'm leaving so I said "Well I might as well not sing" and she says "alright then go sit down" WOW WE ARE A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND you dont talk to people that way.
So I sat down and they literally just moved my mic out of the way and scooted their stuff closer together to like squeeze me out. Whatever.
We cut the practice a little short... well technically we went over (2.5 hours) but we didnt practice all of the songs. And on the way home all of a sudden all of these feelings of not belonging EVER really started to overwhelm me.
I've never belonged with my family. I've never felt better than them, I just felt different. They always care what people think and I never did, I only care about what I can do for people. I like to be the nice girl. I like to do things for people, take care of them, whatever they need. But I always get used. I always get hurt. No matter what I do for anyone I will never belong. So on the way I kept thinking don't eat when you get home, it's not going to fix anything. But when I got home I saw food and what did I do? I ate. I ate three piece of chicken, which would break down to about 4 ounces and rice with brocolli and cheese a pretty big helping. It wasn't a ton of food, but I ate it so fast thinking that it was going to give me a big hug.. and now I just feel like I'll never belong even more than before. Well, I'm gonna get going.. till next time.
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