Monday, November 29, 2010

My back still hurts

So seriously I have been waking up with this radiating pain throughout the night and in the morning. About an hour after being awake it dissipates, but then comes right back at night. I can't take it anymore, it hurts so bad I wake up and cry and have to have the hubby massage my back. I will start back at the gym tomorrow. No if and butts about it. I don't care if I have to wake up at 5 and I'm dead tired, I would rather be a little tired than have my back feel like this.

I have work and school today. Packing my lunch and dinner. Turkey sandwich with mustard and creamy potato soup with roasted garlic (cambell's selects) Getting ready to make myself some breakfast...

Saturday, November 27, 2010

Sigh, hard time of the year

As a little girl, my daddy was my favorite. When I was four, he had a kidney transplant. It was definitely a blessing. I really don't remember my childhood and if you ask me he's about the only thing that I remember. My dad was sick my entire life. He was always layed up in the bed because he was in so much pain from his kidneys. He called me his nurse, all I had to do was sit in the bed with him and talk to him about ANYTHING, and the supposedly made him feel better. Could have just been taking his mind off the pain, not really sure. I know I felt powerful being called a nurse, thinking that I was the only person that could make him feel better. I remember sitting in the kitchen with my mom and aunt Lyn and him calling me from the bedroom; he needed his nurse. When I was about 8, my parents got into a screaming match after a New Year's Eve party. I was 8 years old at an all adult New Year's Eve party because they couldn't find a baby sitter and they refused to miss the party. Finally when we were home the fight started. My mom was doing dishes and then went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom my dad walked in yelling about something. And then they went into the bedroom and started fighting. The roles in my family were very switched. My mom was a parks and recreation worker and could throw 50 lbs of chalk over her should like it was nothing. My dad was always sick, was a police officer, but worked at the desk because of his illness. So when they started fighting I was sitting in my bedroom which was at the opposite end of the hall of their bedroom, on my top bunk. I remember my mom falling back hitting her head on the corner of their tall dresser. I remember them rolling around in the hallway and I remember my mom screaming "Ali call 911, he's going to kill me". Next thing I knew I was off my bed jumping over the two of them and getting the phone. Being a police officer for 20 years everyone knew my dad. So when I called my "uncle" Bob answered the phone and he said they would be there shortly. I rode shotgun in the ambulance with my mom. But all I kept thinking about was my dad. My mom would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about my dad. I was the only one that could fix him and I wasn't allowed to be with him. "It's not fair," I kept thinking. "I don't want to be with her, I want to be with him, he's the one that needs me."

I remember being woken up by the host of that New Year's Eve party but I don't remember the rest of the night or the rest of the couple of days. When I got back to school from holiday break, I was the talk of, well everyone. The police officer that attacked his wife. They had no idea. I didn't care too much. It was all over the news.

I don't remember my dad leaving, but I do remember my mom wouldn't sleep in that bed. She slept on a futon that she still has that serves as the dog's bed now. I remember cleaning the blood out of the hallway carpet with my sister, and after it wouldn't completely come clean we just covered it with a rug. I remember staying at my grandma Sue's house to see my dad. That's where he stayed until he got a house. I remember the rooms in my house being rearranged. My mom took our bedroom (my sister and I) we took my oldest sister's room and I have no idea what my parent's room was used for for the longest. At night my sister would listen to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle on repeat back when all we had were cassettes and it would take a minute for it to rewind, and she would cry herself to sleep. I don't know why she was crying I was his baby. He loved me the most, and I was the only one that I understood him.

Finally he moved into his own house, and my sister Lisa left and moved in with him, I didn't get the choice. I had to stay with my mom. She had a new boyfriend by then, she let me do whatever I wanted as long as I stayed out of her way. I would stay the night with her at her boyfriend's two room shack. He was disgusting and he had an overall death vibe going. Not that he was gothic, he was just depressing. He lived in darkness, he only came out at night, and his skin was decrepit, from all the medication (drugs) he took. I hated him, but I thought maybe this could work. If I was good maybe my parents would get back together. That never happened. Fred moved in. And I was put on lock down. I was not allowed out I had a very strict curfew.

That year my dad's other kidney failed (he was a big drinker) and he was put on steroids. I was back to being his nurse. I would go over there getting my every other weekend, just to be by myself. He was either at work, sick in the bed or at the bar. I remember one time I wanted to come over so badly but he told me he had to work. Later when my mom was feeling extra bitter she told me that he was really at the bar that entire weekend.

I would wake up at 5am on Saturday mornings to go sit with him at dialysis for hours, we would bring everyone their donuts. I knew all of their names and what their donut was. It was our little thing. Sundays we would cook dinner, pick the recipe out Sat night, pick the ingredients up Sunday morning and then cook it. Sometimes for just the two of us, sometimes my sisters came by. He would help me study. In the 5th grade we went over probably 800 words for my spelling bee. I got all the way to National's and lost on extinct. Did you know there is a c in extinct?? I didn't, well not at the time at least. I loved these years of my life. We would go on dates, to the movies he would get Swedish fish, I was never a fan and I would get Sour Patch we would get popcorn and icees.

We went on like this for 2 years. Best 2 years of my life.

My dad got a girlfriend who I really had mixed feelings about. I accepted her into my life, she didn't try to play too big of a role. Besides she came along with baggage of a son, and a crazy baby's daddy. I was not worried about her taking any kind of place.

Christmas 2000 came and went, we had a great time. I received all the presents I wanted and at 12 that was big. We always did Christmas Eve at my dad's Christmas day at my mom's.

Fred would try and do fatherly things. He would buy me a doll every Christmas, I hated them, I hated opening them. His mom loved dolls, not me, I don't care that you didn't have any kind of family life, don't interrupt mine. You don't belong here.

Well Christmas morning my dad dropped me off I remember getting out of his black lumina saying Bye, love you, hugging and kissing him, thanking him for all of my gifts. He had to work that day. I thought it was the coolest thing when my mom got those Angel's wings for dessert (I think that's what their called) so strange that this was the first and only year to get these. Oh no, I forgot that I had left my bedroom door open at my dad's so I called him but only got the answering machine, so I said "Hey dad, it's Ali, I left my bedroom door open, can you close it so Matthew doesn't go in there?" No I love you. No see you later. I remember waking up the next day walking around, the phone rang my mom answered it and as I put the angel wing in my mouth my mom dropped the phone. I knew I knew right then and there yesterday was the last day I would see my dad alive. I didn't need confirmation, I ran into my bed and cried I still had the food in my mouth, my throat was so constricted that I couldn't swallow, the whole time I cried for my dead father I had a cookie in my mouth. Finally twenty minutes later I was able to swallow. We got dressed and went to the hospital to see him. One look at him and I ran out. I vaguely remember the funeral. I know specifically that no one ever explained to me anything, no one ever said it was ok, no one ever hugged me. To this day it is hard to talk about. Dec 26 2010 it will have been 10 years. 10 years, at least 3650 thoughts and I'm still stuck here a 12 year old little girl that just lost her father.

He always told me, if you call just leave a message "Hey dad it's Ali, call me back love you". We are big on I love you's but the message I left for him didn't have one attached. I remember that whole day feeling like I should have said I love you. It was a strange feeling, and every now and then I get that feeling and I follow through with my instinct. To this day I don't know if he got my message. I don't know if the last thing he heard me say was I love you, or some random 12 year old concern about her things.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

I think I'm going to post something personal...

Tomorrow because I'm jumping in the shower to go to my aunt's and I need to be all alone when I write the post.

Happy Thanksgiving!!

Started the day out with H2O, eggs, and 1 piece of toast. Split with my wonderful son. Who is now playing band (tin cake pan and spoon) and running around the house. Justin made a wonderful feast for work tonight. Steak, mac and cheese, mashed potatoes, greek salad, cornbread, and cheesecake. Which I will get none of. My husband does not understand the importance of healthy eating nor is he interested in ever learning. I really try to teach my son but Justin just keeps on with the crap. Thankfully my son likes fruits and veggies better than crap food. Yay I will report back later for my food consumption!

Monday, November 22, 2010

As the smell of turkey is approaching

As the smell of turkey draws near, I look forward to the day after all that wonderful food.: Black Friday!!!! Ah the smell of blood, sweat, and tears, lost dreams, fallen players, and VICTORY!!! Oh, I split my V, I dot my I, I curl my C, T, O, R, Y!! Which is what I will have. Target has a tv on sale, I'm getting it!! They have toys on sale, Malcolm pretty much already has them in his hands, they have clothes and a straightener on sale that are MINE! Ah, I cannot wait! I will be arriving at MY Target at 2:30am, they open at 4:00am I work at 12 noon. I will succeed in getting all of my presents. I think I already know what I'm getting everyone. I'm writing my list out tonight. The tv obviously being the first one I go to. I already have my route planned out to get there the fastest.

To really succeed I must make sure that I get a nutritious breakfast, protein mostly not too filling though. I have to stretch and warm up prior to those doors opening. And have a nice wide stance to enter the building as 4:00am show on the clock.

I have already written my apology letter for any injury that I cause and for any lost present that I SNATCH!!

HAHA bitches catch me if you can!!

My lower back hurts. :(

I haven't been working out regularly because I can't find a babysitter for the baby and it's too cold for him outside. I think I might start doing my Biggest Loser tapes on days that I cannot get out to work out.

Short story (not like Allan): I went to the doctors in like March and they told me that they thought I had a mild case of fibromyalgia. It was later diagnosed. If anyone is unaware of what that is: Fibromyalgia is a common condition characterized by long-term, body-wide pain and tender points in joints, muscles, tendons, and other soft tissues. Fibromyalgia has also been linked to fatigue, morning stiffness, sleep problems, headaches, numbness in hands and feet, depression, and anxiety.

Symptoms include:
•Body aches
•Chronic facial muscle pain or aching
•Irritable bowel syndrome
•Memory difficulties and cognitive difficulties
•Multiple tender areas (muscle and joint pain) on the back of the neck, shoulders, sternum, lower back, hips, shins, elbows, knees
•Numbness and tingling
•Reduced exercise tolerance
•Sleep disturbances
•Tension or migraine headaches

Basically the way it works is as I work out and lose weight it becomes less of a problem. However, the way I see it is those are kind of the same symptoms of being fat. So which is it? Is it fibromyalgia or is it just fatness? Not sure, all I know is I haven't worked out in three days and I almost couldn't get out of bed my low back hurt so bad. I had Justin massage it a little bit, work it out using techniques designed specifically for this type of pain and it feels a little bit better, but only working out really helps. So guess what I HAVE to get back into doing. Yes friends working out everyday. Not that that should be a problem xoxo Ali

Sunday, November 21, 2010

Remind me to post picture in very little clothing? for comparison? Is this correct Allan?

Good Morning Nov 21, 2010

Good morning Blogland. The rest of yesterday was well, memorable to say the least? After I got off the computer I took a shower, during my shower my son was watching tv, well he got bored and decided to play with me in the shower, he threw all his clean socks in there, tampons, vaccuum heads, toothpaste, and anything else he could get his hands on. Then went on to go in my room and pour a Coke Zero over his head while sitting on top of all the clean clothes, in the middle of my bed. He is so charming. After getting dressed and getting him cleaned up and everything back to normal, my sister came and got us.

At my sister's house we ran around like crazy, playing, talking, dancing. We had a lot of fun. My sister made dinner (I LOVE my sister's food). She made tortellini soup (if you want the recipe it is amazing, five ingredients, and about 15 minutes), italian olives, garlic bread, breaded ravioli, and a green salad. I ate the soup, about 3 ravioli, 5 or 6 olives, 2 pieces of garlic bread, and a big salad. I didn't play on eating for the rest of the day, just continuing my fluid intake. Well little did I know my fluid intake went above and beyond.

A friend of mine we'll call her Bally (anyone watch House MD??) called and asked if I wanted to go out to the bar to celebrate our mutual friend's birthday because they were all going out, and so I said sure, we haven't been out in a while.

So my sister did my hair for me, I was already dressed cutely, and I would do my makeup in the car. My sister took us all up to Old Navy, on the way we stopped and got coffee and a piece of cranberry bread. We went to Old Navy and then we went to Meijer where Justin works. He said sure we could go no problem. So I said goodbye to my sister she took off with her daughter and my son in tow.

So we went home because Justin needed to change out of his work clothes. As I round the corner I tell him he better look sexy. -_- I see him and he is wearing work out pants (gray) that have stripes on the side of the legs (white) and a dark blue t shirt that is older than him that has holes all over it. I told him he needed to get his ass right back up them stairs and change into something more appropriate. So as he's walking away I realize that he has his pants INSIDE OUT, which he already had his shoes on and everything so he was going to go with them inside out. OMG. He is so crazy lol, so he went upstairs and changed into an alright outfit and we left.

We went out to the bar, and I had about 4 beers, (16 oz Bud Light), which was like 600 calories on its own. Then we went to Coney Island where we ate I had a chicken sandwich and mushrooms, I boxed half of it and just ate it for lunch. I hate going out because there is no way that I have the extra calories to drink beer like that. It's ridiculous. But today is a new day, I have had about 1000 calories so far. Egg pizza for breakfast, the rest of my sandwich with some soup. If I eat again today it will probably be more soup. Gotta get going have to get ready for work. <3

Saturday, November 20, 2010

Good Morning Blogland

So breakfast was ok. It was 619 calories. Egg on whole wheat bread with morningstar bacon, cheese, and ketchup and coffee. I probably should have left the cheese off, and I will next time, didnt even think about it. Hmmm.. maybe that's why I'm this size??? Anyway, today I'm going to hang out at my sisters, luckily she is health nut and I'm very self conscious around her so I won't be tempted to eat more than I should.

I was going to go to the mom 2 mom sale this morning but Justin had work so I don't have the car. Hopefully a friend of mine can pick up anything she sees for Malcolm that is worth getting and I can just pay her back. I don't know where we plan to go at my sister's maybe just sit and have the kids play and we can talk. Unless we have errands to run that is what we usually end up doing. Well now that Malcolm is decorating the walls with oatmeal I have to be off... Hope to post later. Missed you guys!!

Friday, November 19, 2010


I've been an emotional roller coaster for the past month or so. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, hurt, alone. Malcolm is too young to understand how his mommy feels, and I don't let him see me upset. I don't know what's been going on. I feel so lost, or like I'm in a tunnel with that bright light at the end, but the tunnel never ends. It just keeps going. I didnt think a tunnel that long would show the bright ending with all the angles of distance and such.

I've been super busy with school and work of course. I only have two weeks left. Woot!!

Today I went to my mom's house today. I was hanging out with all my neices and my mom, and I forgot why I can't stand my mother's boyfriend. So my mother and Fred (her bf) make the kids sit in one room in the back of the house and play the wii, when they get tired of playing the wii they watch tv, when they get tired of tv they have to play the wii. If they come up to the kitchen or the living room they get yelled at and chased with a belt to go back into the back room. It was so ridiculous that I wanted to leave. However, I could not leave with out getting into a fight with my sister DUH! So my sister Lisa comes over and she asks my mom about "the cannoli recipe" and the pipes to make the shells

SN: we are Italian and have a cannoli recipe in the family. I have asked my mother for this recipe time after time and she has told me no.

"HOLD ON you're giving Lisa the recipe? and you wouldn't give it to me???"

"What are you talking about?? I never said you couldn't have the recipe?"

"I have asked youd for 3 years and you have always said no."

"Well fine I'll give you a copy of it too"

"Can I have like 5 pipes out of the 30 that you have so that I can make the shells also?"

"No, I'm not giving any of the pipes out your grandfather made those for your grandmother. You guys will have to figure something else out."

Later tonight I called my oldest sister Sara and we are chatting about whatever and she tells me how Lisa got the pipes for the cannolis ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Like seriously are you fucking kidding me. Lisa is the most irresponsible stupid person I have ever met. So now I'm pissed.

I get home and I show Justin's mom the recipe she got really excited and did a nice little happy dance. Well then I go and pick Justin up from work and I get all excited and do a grand entrance to show him the recipe. As soon as I pull the recipe out he realizes what it is and as I'm cheering says "I still want your moms".

Like seriously did you think before you said that. He has this way of making me feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough EVER. Then he has the nerve to get mad at me. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I get mad at him and so gets mad at me, knowing that I am weak and do not like people mad at me. I hate it, it makes me feel like he is taking advantage of me. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do..

I joined Allan's challenge, not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing exactly but he emailed me with 128 ounces per day mimimum 167 ounces to get the full effect
of the 1925 calories per day you are allowed

Not quite sure I understand, Allan if you could explain that would be wonderful love!!

Well, now I have to get going <3

Thursday, November 18, 2010

catching up

will be done hopefully when I get home from school... if no one is on the computer..