Grrrarrr

Okay... so basically I suck... I suck a lot did I say I suck? I weighed in today and went up another pound. The only thing I am thankful for is that I know why... "late night snack we are going to have to break up"

As of late when I get home at night I eat my second dinner... well it's a Council dinner which means fried and cheesy. So I know that it 1. puts me over my calories 2. Makes me feel sick almost instantly 3. Does not promote weight loss

Love Don't Live Here Anymore

So today I decided I should tell the members of the band that I am not going to be in the band while I'm in school because I have a class the same day as practice. WELL.... obviously I'm not supposed to go to class because the way they made me feel tonight I wish I would have never joined.

I told Janet (other singer) at the beginning of practice and asked her if she would announce it because I felt so bad... (any time I am uncomfortable my throat closes) so she says "to herself" "I knew this was going to happen".. REALLY it's 10 weeks.. TEN! one, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Like it's not that long I'M COMING BACK... or at least I wanted to.. well they tried to figure out a day that we could switch practice to which I was fine with except that I go to school Monday, Tuesday, Thursday nights bible study is Wednesday nights so we have Friday Saturday and Sunday. And I tried to explain to them when school starts... my day literally starts at 8am (well now earlier because of the gym) till 10 at night. I'm gonna start to run on E VERY soon. Well then the kicker Janet says to me "well yeah, you have a baby, a husband, a job, school, gym, animal shelter, and bible study of course you can't squeeze room in for the band" Like really? And the way she said it, it was more of a how dare you not squeeze in room for us??

Well, I said we might as well start practice, I still have about 4 practices. But then they started talking about the show this Sunday. Which wouldn't be a problem if they wouldn't have told me yesterday at church. So naturally on the day that I need off I work at 12. So there is no possible way that I can perform and make it to work on time.

So how dare I have a job!!

Well then I was singing for about the first 45 minutes... but with 3 singers its really packed up front.. and for some reason Janet worked on the song and now she is singing the same notes I'm singing, instead of harmonizing. So I thought hey maybe she did that because I'm leaving so I said "Well I might as well not sing" and she says "alright then go sit down" WOW WE ARE A CHRISTIAN ROCK BAND you dont talk to people that way.

So I sat down and they literally just moved my mic out of the way and scooted their stuff closer together to like squeeze me out. Whatever.

We cut the practice a little short... well technically we went over (2.5 hours) but we didnt practice all of the songs. And on the way home all of a sudden all of these feelings of not belonging EVER really started to overwhelm me.

I've never belonged with my family. I've never felt better than them, I just felt different. They always care what people think and I never did, I only care about what I can do for people. I like to be the nice girl. I like to do things for people, take care of them, whatever they need. But I always get used. I always get hurt. No matter what I do for anyone I will never belong. So on the way I kept thinking don't eat when you get home, it's not going to fix anything. But when I got home I saw food and what did I do? I ate. I ate three piece of chicken, which would break down to about 4 ounces and rice with brocolli and cheese a pretty big helping. It wasn't a ton of food, but I ate it so fast thinking that it was going to give me a big hug.. and now I just feel like I'll never belong even more than before. Well, I'm gonna get going.. till next time.

OMG picture HUBBY!

Ahh.. so recently I bleached my hair back to blonde... now it has been quite some time since I have been blonde... about two years or so, so naturally I was a little nervous..




this was my first attempt at bleaching my hair... except I used blonde dye not bleach and since color cannot penetrate through color I got bleach blonde roots...

NEEEEXXTTTTT



This time I used this bleach called Super Blonde (works wonders!!)




I decided I should probably bleach it one more time....



After that I was still a little... eh about it so I decided to have my sister throw some highlights in it... I forgot to take a picture as soon as I got ready and I was out in the heat so my hair doesn't look as fabulous and I'm now in my pj's but I felt so beautiful today... I received so many compliments... I LOVED it!!




Justin got me flowers a couple of days ago...



They are yellow roses with red tips... symbolizing a friendship that turned into love.. now even though Justin and I weren't really friends before our relationship I love the idea of these roses...

He has been on a roll lately.. he inserted a beautiful card with the roses telling me how proud he is of me and how much he loves me. Yesterday when I was at work he wrote me a poem and sent it to me.. he is so fabulous. I just don't know how I got so lucky sometimes.. I want to remember to write a post on him soon.. I just don't have the pictures and other good stuff right now to do it...

Also, tomorrow I am getting a gym membership!! I am so excited I am getting a year membership to our RAC center and it has a pool!! Love it! I really needed this because I can't do the dvd's right now my knees are just too messed up so hopefully my scale reflects the hardwork I plan to put in...

Until next time Ali

Bottomless Pit

Okay... as of lately I have been hungry and I mean like "I want to eat all the time, I'm never full, gimme more gimme more" hungry. Everything I see I want to eat, everything I smell I want to eat, everything I hear cooking I want to eat. I watch like a dog food commercial and start to salivate... ok so its not THAT bad. But seriously I want to eat all the time and I don't know how to stop. OWWWW I just hit my knee turning to talk to Justin!! That's it I'm going to the doctor's... I will call tomorrow. Well, let's see where was I at?

So I find myself walking into the kitchen just to eat. Just to put something in my mouth (that didn't sound right) and I can't stop myself like I literally fight myself.. "EAT EAT EAT YOU'LL NEVER LOSE THE WEIGHT!!" "NO DON'T EAT THAT YOU'LL NEVER LOSE THE WEIGHT" I don't know WHAT triggered this behavior... I was doing great I'm making plans for my food and then I just throw up my hands and say EFF it! I want that beef jerkey so I'm going to eat it. AHH I need help. I also plan on looking up a gym with a pool because the way both of my knees are feeling I can't even work out... I need to start swimming so I get some kind of exercise going

STOP!! Do Not Enter!

So I went the wrong way on my weigh in this week... I can think of about 6 reasons but it really just comes down to I wasn't feeling it this week. I wasn't feeling like tracking all of my food, or even keeping track in my head, I wasn't feeling like working out this week, or making sure I just walked enough.

I put on 1.2 lbs this week... which I'm surprised it wasn't more, between all of my injuries and illnesses this week. I didn't do as bad as I thought though, and I can be okay with a 1 lb gain. It feels good to be okay with something!

This week I want to track all of my food and keep up with exercising so I can jump start again... wish me luck <3

Goals...

So I was thinking recently and actually a couple of weeks ago but it took this long to remember to write and actually write about making goals for myself...

This is my dilemna... I want to lose a lot of weight but it seems like when I lose 5 lbs I'm satisfied with losing 5 lbs so I will slack a day or two.. and then the next 5 lbs slack a day or two... so what I was thinking is hey maybe I should write up some goals and like prizes when the goals are achieved... the other thing on that is because I am so tall my body seems like 15 doesn't make any kind of difference... so I'm thinking maybe I should do like every 20 lbs I lose... but then what if I get discouraged at like 13 lbs.. ya know.. what do you guys think.. should I make som goals... and if so how many lbs apart... I mean realistically I don't have the money to make them 5 lbs apart... so whatchya think???

It's my left knee it's extremely swollen I don't know if you can tell though.

Canoeing....

I.... don't even know where I want to start this.

Well I guess I'll just dive right in... Yesterday we went canoeing... and it is like a family/friend thing my sister started I wanna say 5 or 6 years ago. Well everything in me kept telling me not to go... but I didn't want to miss it because I missed last year due to having like a 3 month old. Well, we started the day off great. I made myself an egg burrito on wheat with veggie sausage. I packed a veggie sausage in a bun, grilled squash and sweet potato, and a yogurt. Well, on the bus to the beginning of the trip I ate my yogurt. Throughout the trip I ate my veggies and then finally I ate my sausage.. I did really good with eating.. until I got home but we will get to that in a minute.. the beginning of my day:

Justin and I decided we were going to have him drive me there and I would drive someone's car back because I wasn't drinking.. well Justin ended up not going to work and so he could have even went canoeing. I got over it fast but whatever. So I wake him up I have about ten minutes before I have to leave and Justin says that he's not driving me because he didn't have to work last night so he's going to stay sleeping. So whatever to that also. Well, I forgot to get myself a water so I stopped at the store really quickly and grabbed a sugar free rip it and a big water. On my way out I walk to my car and see a big puddle of water from the sweating ice machine.. and I keep walking I walk in puddles all the BAM. I fall on my OTHER knee the one that isn't hurt. I can feel the pain through my whole being. I could not let anyone else fall like that especially when it was RIGHT by the handicapped spot.. so I go back inside to tell the man about it and all this anger boils up and I start to yell at him. But I stopped myself because ya know what, how can I be beautiful on the outside if I am not beautiful on the inside. I simply told him that he needed a sign out there and to have that cleaned up.

I leave the gas station and call Sara thinking I'm going to be late. She hasn't even passed the exit to my house on the freeway. So I'm ahead of them. Finally I get there my knee is swollen x 3... and it's in a lot of pain. Well, I find out that one of the couples really isn't here so Justin and I could have taken their canoe. Sara was supposed to pay me 40$ she ended up paying me 30 but in the rush of things I didn't make a big deal of it. So we start our canoe trip. and YAY I am the biggest person here so I try to make a joke out of it... because well that's what I do.

I am in the canoe with Lee C P and Dom and we're doing okay. I can tell one wrong thing said and Dom and I are going to severely bump heads. Well after the halfway point (which took like 4 hours because everyone just wanted to hang out I wanted to work out!) we flipped... now mind you Lee C P kept laying down and rolling around and all that but Dom decided to tell me that it was all my fault that we flipped because I'm so big and we were closer to the bottom of the lake. He just kept going and going. I told myself not to do it but I ended up crying a little bit... well we had a stop not too far after at my favorite place... the quarry it's a beautiful blue clear warm lake but I was too embarrassed that I was crying to even get out. So Dom decided to tell me some more on how he truly feels and that he was just stating how he felt well I don't really give a damn you asshole. So for the rest of the trip I drank A LOT thinking well not really thinking that we were still pretty far from the end. Well a lot of booze later and my sister telling me I needed to suck it up just because I fell (I didn't tell her what Dom said because I think she might have beat his ass...) so I just sat there quietly the rest of the time. Lee C didn't talk to him either, so Dom spent the rest of his day bitching some more... then we got to the end and I realized how drunk I was and that I had to drive 40 minutes so I left hoping that it hadn't all hit me yet.. and it took me a little bit longer to get home this time...

Finally I got home and started drinking a lot of water to balance out the alcohol and started to eat Mrs. Council had made lasagna and I hate probably two heaping helpings which was way too much and then I passed out... between the booze and the actual trip and all over my injuries I endured I was exhausted. My whole body hurts today. I'm pissed off and last but not least sick to my stomach with all of this extra food and foreign substance in me..

I really thought that it was a great idea!

So today I decided that I should probably bite the bullet and buy a bathing suit for tomorrow's canoeing trip. Mainly because all I have are two pieces (from before Malcolm) and also because well I don't think they are going to fit me. So today Sara and I went to Target just to see if they had any bathing suits in my size..

Well Target had only like 3 suits in big girl size and they weren't pretty so we walked down the strip mall to TJ Maxx (I am not going to spend a lot of money on a suit because I feel the same way: that I won't be wearing this size for long) Tj Maxx had an extremely cute suit that was like 15 bucks YES!! I thought my shopping trip was over I would try it on just to make sure it looked ok and then we could head outta here and go to the Farmer's Market... so I go in the dressing room and I try on a size 24 one piece really cute suit



It BARELY goes over my legs and it looks like it is cutting circulation off of my thighs. So I move onto the next one same size: I was trying to find a pic but can't but it's pretty much like the previous but it's a halter... this one I was extremely excited about. I really like myself in a halter.... So I put one foot in, then the other and then... NOTHING I couldn't even pull the freaking suit up it was so small on me. Seriously I don't understand the way sizes work...

I don't feel that big. I don't think that I need a size 30 (do they even make that size) but it seems like I do.. why do I not feel that big.. and how is it possible that I'm 25 lbs smaller than I was before and it seemse like I'm even bigger. I just dont understand this. So then I said I'm done with this store and we headed to DEB. I thought there has to be something in here.

We get there and I'm looking around and what do I SEE!!! NOTHING They have like 4 bathing suit tops and then nothing! I couldn't believe it. I guess it's a little late but I think that you should be able to buy swim suits all year round because people do indoor swim...

So then Sara says to me "you could always get a cute tank top and shorts.." Just wondering but why am I going to get a cute outfit to go canoeing? I don't buy myself clothes regularly. Why would I buy something special to be outside all day? Needless to say, I came home in tears, skipped out on the farmer's market and went home. When Justin asked how it went I burst into tears... he is waiting for me to go over and talk to him.

I'm going to tell him what happened probably crying the whole time trying to get it out and he is going to rub my should and say its ok.. well ya know what... it's not ok... not at all. I should not be like this at 21 years old.. I should have known better.

Wanna burn some calories?

So I told myself I would start working out this week... and what happens???

I wake up late for work so I pour myself a bowl of Fiber One for on the way to work. I get to work and man my stomach is acting up.. lemme head to the bathroom... well turns out that the Fiber One I ate messed my stomach up and loosened my bowels so much that I was on the toilet all day.. and ended up with hemorrhoids. How embarrassing! How terrible, I don't even want to admit to that lol. So alas I could not work out for two more days... I really wanted to get a massage today but I was still um.. sore.. lol

Well, I went way over my calories today and just ate pretty random... I went about 400 over my calories... which is well a lot.. I didn't expect that I had went over it by that much.. I really tried to plan my meals today, I guess I just need to keep working at it.

Ha ha, my brother in law just told me that he reads my blog so here's a shout out to him:

HEY SWEATY HANDS!!!

Any who, I hope that I can really stick to this.. tomorrow I plan to take Malcolm for a bike ride... we will see how that goes because... he doesn't cooperate very well and I don't know how my backside is going to feel so maybe I will just take him for a walk instead.

Can anyone think of some good exercises that a child wouldn't mind participating in? I only have like 2 followers, I think it would probably help if I had more followers to give me more opinions... but hey I need some help here ok!

Who has two thumbs and liked the scale this morning??

THIS GIRL!

So this morning I got up and weighed myself... I had that nervous what is the scale going to say because I ate like poop and didn't work out and excited WHAT IS THAT SCALE GOING TO SAY!

I stepped on the scale oh and what did it say? It said I'm out of the 270's WOO HOO!! I weighed in at 266.8 which puts me at about 4.8 lb weight loss for this week... TAKE THAT COOKIES AND CREAM ICE CREAM THAT TASTED SO GOOD AND I HAD A HARD TIME PUTTING DOWN!!!

I don't know how I did it... I'm thinking it was the water that helped keep my metabolism up so it allowed me to lose without working out. But that kind of makes me sad... do you realize what I could have lost with working out? Probably like 27 lbs!! Ok not really 27 but geez. lol

You know that is definitely one thing I like about my body, if I try to lose weight it literally just melts off, but I get so caught up with what I can't have than with what I am getting, what I am accomplishing. So with that being said, I think that I am going to set minor goals... and rewards when I get to those goals...

I am going to try to post them later but right now I can't deny Malcolm anymore! So until later!!

FFFOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEE!!!

When someone yells "Fore" at a golf course it means watch out!! A ball is off the track!

This past week I have been that ball. I have not eaten properly and have not gotten any excercise in. I have noticed an incredible amount of decreased energy, fatigue, and just in general crappiness. I can't believe I have never connected the two. Yeah sure I've read about it but I never actually did it with my own body.. Well now I did and now I know.

Eating healthy and working out is just a step to reaching optimum performance. So I dragged my old spark page back out and will be tracking my food and excercising hopefully everyday but at least 5 times a week. It doesn't have to be a strict regimen but my body needs to move, to stretch, to be freed.

I woke up today and weighed myself and I was disappointed to see 274. Which means I gained about 3.5 lbs. So I need to put my pep back into my step. I am tracking my food as soon as I get off of here. For breakfast:

.4 cups of egg beaters
2 tblsp Chi chi's salsa
whole weat tortilla
Dannon Light and Fit Banana yogurt