Seriously.

I've been an emotional roller coaster for the past month or so. I feel like I want to cry all the time. I feel guilty, ashamed, sad, hurt, alone. Malcolm is too young to understand how his mommy feels, and I don't let him see me upset. I don't know what's been going on. I feel so lost, or like I'm in a tunnel with that bright light at the end, but the tunnel never ends. It just keeps going. I didnt think a tunnel that long would show the bright ending with all the angles of distance and such.

I've been super busy with school and work of course. I only have two weeks left. Woot!!

Today I went to my mom's house today. I was hanging out with all my neices and my mom, and I forgot why I can't stand my mother's boyfriend. So my mother and Fred (her bf) make the kids sit in one room in the back of the house and play the wii, when they get tired of playing the wii they watch tv, when they get tired of tv they have to play the wii. If they come up to the kitchen or the living room they get yelled at and chased with a belt to go back into the back room. It was so ridiculous that I wanted to leave. However, I could not leave with out getting into a fight with my sister DUH! So my sister Lisa comes over and she asks my mom about "the cannoli recipe" and the pipes to make the shells

SN: we are Italian and have a cannoli recipe in the family. I have asked my mother for this recipe time after time and she has told me no.

"HOLD ON you're giving Lisa the recipe? and you wouldn't give it to me???"

"What are you talking about?? I never said you couldn't have the recipe?"

"I have asked youd for 3 years and you have always said no."

"Well fine I'll give you a copy of it too"

"Can I have like 5 pipes out of the 30 that you have so that I can make the shells also?"

"No, I'm not giving any of the pipes out your grandfather made those for your grandmother. You guys will have to figure something else out."

Later tonight I called my oldest sister Sara and we are chatting about whatever and she tells me how Lisa got the pipes for the cannolis ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Like seriously are you fucking kidding me. Lisa is the most irresponsible stupid person I have ever met. So now I'm pissed.

I get home and I show Justin's mom the recipe she got really excited and did a nice little happy dance. Well then I go and pick Justin up from work and I get all excited and do a grand entrance to show him the recipe. As soon as I pull the recipe out he realizes what it is and as I'm cheering says "I still want your moms".

Like seriously did you think before you said that. He has this way of making me feel like no matter what I do it's not good enough EVER. Then he has the nerve to get mad at me. I'm so sick of the bullshit. I get mad at him and so gets mad at me, knowing that I am weak and do not like people mad at me. I hate it, it makes me feel like he is taking advantage of me. I hate it so much. I don't know what to do..

I joined Allan's challenge, not quite sure what I'm supposed to be doing exactly but he emailed me with 128 ounces per day mimimum 167 ounces to get the full effect
of the 1925 calories per day you are allowed

Not quite sure I understand, Allan if you could explain that would be wonderful love!!

Well, now I have to get going <3

catching up

will be done hopefully when I get home from school... if no one is on the computer..

Breakfast

I'm taking a tip from Kreating Kristin hopefully it works. lol

Breakfast: 2 servings of Instant Oats
Yoplait Light Blueberry yogurt..

For 380 calories

Lunch: veggie black bean burger with two peices of whole wheat bread

For: 350 calories

Dinner: I'm thinking a Lean Cuisine

Not sure calories yet. Will post later..

Have work all day 1-9p lets pray for a good day. Haunted Houses later

Home

So I had to work today, a small shift, but nonetheless it was work. 430-930p. At about 730 I was ready for bed. So I took about 6 shots of espresso from Starbucks, because I really want to be able to go to work tomorrow. Well I don't really want to go to work tomorrow, but if I get all my homework done before work tomorrow I have no excuse not to go to work. That sentence was like a big circle lol.

It's such an odd feeling to be tired and not tired. My eyes keep closing but my brain is going a million miles a second. So it's strange. I'm trying to have my mind convice my body that I have all this energy. It's not working too good. I gotta go, just thought I would check in, so Allan doesn't make fun of me for being ghost like lol. Off to the hit the books xoxo

Did you know that...

Everytime I say that I always feel like Bill Nye the science guy.

Anyhoo.. last night Murouge and I went to On the Border for some dinner and late night studying after our 1st midterm. We ate and I mean we ate. We had tortilla chips and salsa and then we each had a meal. Murouge and mahi mahi tacos and I had some fajita burrito thing. After I was about half way through my meal I knew I was full I knew it. I told myself to stop. I really did, put the fork down and everything. But then I realized I had a couple choices. I could bring the rest home and risk being yelled at by Justin for spending my money on food, I could leave the rest and let it be thrown away or I could finish it. Really I guess I don't like myself and didn't want to burden anyone else so I ate the rest. I felt sick to my stomach. Then the waitress comes and asks if we want dessert. Did I? No, hell no I'm full as hell my stomach hurts. Murouge, however felt a little differently. She said sure we can split it. So that's what we did, we had the turtle brownie with vanilla ice cream on top.

On the way home I was feeling sick and all I wanted to do was throw up. I used to feel like that a lot. When I hated myself, the only thing that would make me feel better was to eat and then throw it back up. It was almost orgasmic the feeling of the food leaving my body. I loved that feeling and it loved me too, it was addicting. I used to throw up about 5-6 times a day, multiple times each time until everything was out. It sounds so sick and every bullimic thinks its disgusting. That's why they try to hide it, bad breath, vomit reeking fingertips, clean the bathroom with bleach everytime, air freshener, perfume. Anything to hide it, keep it concealed, because its special, its unique, and it keeps you going, it keeps you happy, it keeps you pleased. I loved that feeling.

The only reason I stopped: Justin. Justin told me he would leave me if I continued to do that to myself. So I stopped. I missed it, like a long lost friend I missed it. I kept on eating but I just didn't get rid of it. I just kept gaining weight. Everytime I was sad, mad, hurt, or happy. I would eat.

That's my story of how I got to where I am today.

Lately Justin and I have been fighting and I want my old friend back. I want that feeling, last night as I was driving home from the restuarant I could feel that old familiar tickle in the back of my throat that wanted to be stroked. I needed it so bad. I could make this weight loss thing so easy with just one finger. Quite literally actually. But I don't want to give up so easily I want to win this long fight. I want to know that I won, that I wasn't defeated, that I tried and fought and won the hardest battle of my life.

I just need a second.

So have you ever felt like the world was passing you by and you are just watching it? Or better yet like everyone is handling the stress of life so much better than you when you just want to scream?

That's how I feel everyday. I am always catching up with my work, I haven't worked out in like a week. I stopped planning my meals because I just don't have the time. I am not losing hope nor am I losing weight. Which that is obvious. I hope these last 5 weeks fly by, I can get all my work out of the way and be selfish and focus on myself, and my weight. I didn't think it was going to be easy, but I definitely didn't think it would be near impossible. There literally is not enough time in the day for me to go to school, work, work out, and play with my son. I put my son before working out, well I put him before anything. So my time for everything else has defintely been lacking. I barely get my work done before I have to turn it in.

I wanted to stop by and get some of this stress out, because lately I have just been wanting to scream. I finished my massage last week in tears because of how stressed I have been feeling. Well gotta get going. I have to type my homework up. Wonderful.

Falling Apart

This whole thing is falling apart! I'm trying really hard to keep everything together I just don't have the time!

I only went to the gym 1 this past week and I did the eliptical for 20 minutes and my legs were so tired I couldn't do anything else. I have been trying to eat healthy but I haven't had time to go grocery shopping so my breakfast for the past week has been peanut butter toast (430 calories) way too many calories not filling enough. I need to figure something out I am having a hard time working out because I have been staying up late doing homework and trying to get some husband and wife time in. So I haven't been able to wake up at 4:30. My alarm was set this morning but Justin turned it off and it didn't wake me up yet. I don't even have a baby sitter for my wonderful son. My mother isnsists she has to go to the bar every night. I hear complaints every time Justin's family watches him. All of my friends smoke and their houses smell like smoke. Maybe just maybe I can ask my sister... haven't tried that lately so she might accept especially if I give her a massage... before hand. I dunno I guess wish me luck and if there are any tips on staying on the right track in a fast paced life I'm all ears!!