soo..

buttons?

Today was pretty long. Started off with Special K and 2% milk. Went to Delores' house to get her breakfast and what not. Then came home, took Malcolm out, we went and get lunch, cleaned the car, got the oil changed, mailed a bill, and then came back home. Malcolm was sleeping by this time, so I took him upstairs and came downstairs and folded some laundry. Ate some lunch spicy chicken filet on bagel thin with lettuce and cesar dressing. At 5 I had work, so I got dressed and took off to work. Work was fun as always. I really do love my job for the most part. There are some days that I don't have tons of fun, but its all about the attitude that I have. I just got home, but in about an hour I am going to have to take Justin to work. Then home to sleep, work at 7:30 tomorrow morning and then massages after that. It is almost ridiculous how much I am gone, but I really try to work as much time in with Malcolm as possible. I just want our own house though.

long tiring day

Today I woke up at about 7, went to Delores' house and made her breakfast and what not. We hung out until about 11:30. She is so easy to talk to and get along with. Very wonderful. Came home ate lunch watched Biggest Loser played with Malcolm a little bit and then had a massage with a lady that I work with's sister. She was one of the sweetest people I have ever met. I was very nervous about this massage. But overall I think it went well. I am now sitting at home exhausted. I am waiting on dinner to be done, it's 10:40 and I'm waiting on dinner. Excellent! I hopefully get to sleep in tomorrow. Unless Justin doesnt let me. Then I have Kingston for a couple hours. Well this was short just a quick update.

Wrinkly fingers

It has been quite some time since I last post... logged in yes but posted no... I have been quite busy lately. I got another job taking care of an elderly lady 3 days a week. So yeah I've added more to my plate. I stopped working out and watching what I ate for a couple weeks, and I felt like total crap. So I really need to get back on this and not look back. I always talk about getting back on, but I dont understand why I get off in the first place. Is it because of one really bad day? Is it because I was really hungry one day? Is it because of that craving? Or is it because of a void I'm trying to fill, that food does such an excellent job of doing. Whatever it is I need to figure out. And just say screw it. Screw the feelings of emptiness. I will be okay I don't need to eat to feel better. So far today I had oatmeal for breakfast, yogurt with fruit for snack and cauliflower pizza for lunch. I feel really nauseous (spelling??) right now for some reason. It's like I'm hungry but if I eat something I might puke. Not a good feeling at all. I don't know if it is because of the crap I've been eating lately or what.

I got the bodybugg in, according to it I should be burning 3350 calories a day naturally. So to lose 2 lbs in a week I can eat 2350 calories a day and still lose weight. However, when I plug my body bugg in it doesnt calculate that I am burning 3350 calories a day. I wonder if thats accurate? I was logging my food for a little while but then I switched it over to doing it on the body bugg. The calories for food on that website arent very accurate so I'm going back to sparkpeople.

Well, I think that's all for the day, I guess... smooches

So here is the big news.. with a story attached.

I have a sister!!

When my dad was just starting college, he fell in love with a woman we can call her Bickie lol. Well Bickie got pregnant, and the story is a little fuzzy right here but she ended up moving to Arizona, where she had a baby girl. Well, I guess Bickie had 7 kids and gave some up for adoption. This little baby being one of them. Fast forward 37 years later up to 2 days ago. November 30, 2010, my mom got a phone call. Well, normally she doesn't answer calls that she doesn't know the number and this was the same thing. However, she had a gut feeling that told her to call this number. Well my mom called the number back and asked who had called the number, the conversation went like this:

Mom- "Hi did someone call this house?"
Mystery person- "Yes, I'm looking for Mark Schultz?"
Mom- "Well, I'm sorry but he passed away 10 years ago."
Mystery person- "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, is this by chance the Mark Schultz that went to Ferris State."

*Mom stops dead in her tracks*

Mom- "Who is this?"

*Myster person revealed in

5

4

3

2

1

Mystery person- "This is Bickie."

The rest is a little fuzzy don't exactly know how it went from there. But apparently Elizabeth (my sister!!) found her birth mom last year and has been looking for my father. Finally they just started calling all of the Schultz's in River Rouge and since my mother's name never changed when they got a divorce and phone number hasn't changed in 30 years. They got her. Wow!!

So they chatted a little bit, apparently Elizabeth lives in Arizona, has children, is married. She has a daughter with blonde hair and blue eyes that looks just like my father... we'll see about that because I look just like my dad.

My mom didn't know if we were going to act on it or not so in closing she asked Bickie to relay the message that my dad was an amazing man, a wonderful husband, and a fantastic father. He was well respected throughout this city as a lieutenant of the police department. And everyone misses him tremendously.

That about broke my heart.

Well, my mom gave my oldest sister, Sara, the number to call her, but she hasn't done it yet. I'm going crazy over here, so I'm hoping she does it today, because if she doesn't I'm calling tomorrow. I have the entire day off and I'm going to start writing questions out tonight.

The part that really kills me is that she was in foster care her whole life and my mom and dad would have raised her with all of us as our sister in every scence of the word. I wish her life didn't have to be so hard. I really hope that we can have a relationship, because a part of us, is out there and I can't wait for it to join us!

OMG.

Omg, got some news yesterday.. no I'm not pregnant just fat ;) I will post tonight when I get off work..

My back still hurts

So seriously I have been waking up with this radiating pain throughout the night and in the morning. About an hour after being awake it dissipates, but then comes right back at night. I can't take it anymore, it hurts so bad I wake up and cry and have to have the hubby massage my back. I will start back at the gym tomorrow. No if and butts about it. I don't care if I have to wake up at 5 and I'm dead tired, I would rather be a little tired than have my back feel like this.

I have work and school today. Packing my lunch and dinner. Turkey sandwich with mustard and creamy potato soup with roasted garlic (cambell's selects) Getting ready to make myself some breakfast...

Sigh, hard time of the year

As a little girl, my daddy was my favorite. When I was four, he had a kidney transplant. It was definitely a blessing. I really don't remember my childhood and if you ask me he's about the only thing that I remember. My dad was sick my entire life. He was always layed up in the bed because he was in so much pain from his kidneys. He called me his nurse, all I had to do was sit in the bed with him and talk to him about ANYTHING, and the supposedly made him feel better. Could have just been taking his mind off the pain, not really sure. I know I felt powerful being called a nurse, thinking that I was the only person that could make him feel better. I remember sitting in the kitchen with my mom and aunt Lyn and him calling me from the bedroom; he needed his nurse. When I was about 8, my parents got into a screaming match after a New Year's Eve party. I was 8 years old at an all adult New Year's Eve party because they couldn't find a baby sitter and they refused to miss the party. Finally when we were home the fight started. My mom was doing dishes and then went to the bathroom. While in the bathroom my dad walked in yelling about something. And then they went into the bedroom and started fighting. The roles in my family were very switched. My mom was a parks and recreation worker and could throw 50 lbs of chalk over her should like it was nothing. My dad was always sick, was a police officer, but worked at the desk because of his illness. So when they started fighting I was sitting in my bedroom which was at the opposite end of the hall of their bedroom, on my top bunk. I remember my mom falling back hitting her head on the corner of their tall dresser. I remember them rolling around in the hallway and I remember my mom screaming "Ali call 911, he's going to kill me". Next thing I knew I was off my bed jumping over the two of them and getting the phone. Being a police officer for 20 years everyone knew my dad. So when I called my "uncle" Bob answered the phone and he said they would be there shortly. I rode shotgun in the ambulance with my mom. But all I kept thinking about was my dad. My mom would be fine, but I wasn't so sure about my dad. I was the only one that could fix him and I wasn't allowed to be with him. "It's not fair," I kept thinking. "I don't want to be with her, I want to be with him, he's the one that needs me."

I remember being woken up by the host of that New Year's Eve party but I don't remember the rest of the night or the rest of the couple of days. When I got back to school from holiday break, I was the talk of, well everyone. The police officer that attacked his wife. They had no idea. I didn't care too much. It was all over the news.

I don't remember my dad leaving, but I do remember my mom wouldn't sleep in that bed. She slept on a futon that she still has that serves as the dog's bed now. I remember cleaning the blood out of the hallway carpet with my sister, and after it wouldn't completely come clean we just covered it with a rug. I remember staying at my grandma Sue's house to see my dad. That's where he stayed until he got a house. I remember the rooms in my house being rearranged. My mom took our bedroom (my sister and I) we took my oldest sister's room and I have no idea what my parent's room was used for for the longest. At night my sister would listen to Butterfly Kisses by Bob Carlisle on repeat back when all we had were cassettes and it would take a minute for it to rewind, and she would cry herself to sleep. I don't know why she was crying I was his baby. He loved me the most, and I was the only one that I understood him.

Finally he moved into his own house, and my sister Lisa left and moved in with him, I didn't get the choice. I had to stay with my mom. She had a new boyfriend by then, she let me do whatever I wanted as long as I stayed out of her way. I would stay the night with her at her boyfriend's two room shack. He was disgusting and he had an overall death vibe going. Not that he was gothic, he was just depressing. He lived in darkness, he only came out at night, and his skin was decrepit, from all the medication (drugs) he took. I hated him, but I thought maybe this could work. If I was good maybe my parents would get back together. That never happened. Fred moved in. And I was put on lock down. I was not allowed out I had a very strict curfew.

That year my dad's other kidney failed (he was a big drinker) and he was put on steroids. I was back to being his nurse. I would go over there getting my every other weekend, just to be by myself. He was either at work, sick in the bed or at the bar. I remember one time I wanted to come over so badly but he told me he had to work. Later when my mom was feeling extra bitter she told me that he was really at the bar that entire weekend.

I would wake up at 5am on Saturday mornings to go sit with him at dialysis for hours, we would bring everyone their donuts. I knew all of their names and what their donut was. It was our little thing. Sundays we would cook dinner, pick the recipe out Sat night, pick the ingredients up Sunday morning and then cook it. Sometimes for just the two of us, sometimes my sisters came by. He would help me study. In the 5th grade we went over probably 800 words for my spelling bee. I got all the way to National's and lost on extinct. Did you know there is a c in extinct?? I didn't, well not at the time at least. I loved these years of my life. We would go on dates, to the movies he would get Swedish fish, I was never a fan and I would get Sour Patch we would get popcorn and icees.

We went on like this for 2 years. Best 2 years of my life.

My dad got a girlfriend who I really had mixed feelings about. I accepted her into my life, she didn't try to play too big of a role. Besides she came along with baggage of a son, and a crazy baby's daddy. I was not worried about her taking any kind of place.

Christmas 2000 came and went, we had a great time. I received all the presents I wanted and at 12 that was big. We always did Christmas Eve at my dad's Christmas day at my mom's.

Fred would try and do fatherly things. He would buy me a doll every Christmas, I hated them, I hated opening them. His mom loved dolls, not me, I don't care that you didn't have any kind of family life, don't interrupt mine. You don't belong here.

Well Christmas morning my dad dropped me off I remember getting out of his black lumina saying Bye, love you, hugging and kissing him, thanking him for all of my gifts. He had to work that day. I thought it was the coolest thing when my mom got those Angel's wings for dessert (I think that's what their called) so strange that this was the first and only year to get these. Oh no, I forgot that I had left my bedroom door open at my dad's so I called him but only got the answering machine, so I said "Hey dad, it's Ali, I left my bedroom door open, can you close it so Matthew doesn't go in there?" No I love you. No see you later. I remember waking up the next day walking around, the phone rang my mom answered it and as I put the angel wing in my mouth my mom dropped the phone. I knew I knew right then and there yesterday was the last day I would see my dad alive. I didn't need confirmation, I ran into my bed and cried I still had the food in my mouth, my throat was so constricted that I couldn't swallow, the whole time I cried for my dead father I had a cookie in my mouth. Finally twenty minutes later I was able to swallow. We got dressed and went to the hospital to see him. One look at him and I ran out. I vaguely remember the funeral. I know specifically that no one ever explained to me anything, no one ever said it was ok, no one ever hugged me. To this day it is hard to talk about. Dec 26 2010 it will have been 10 years. 10 years, at least 3650 thoughts and I'm still stuck here a 12 year old little girl that just lost her father.

He always told me, if you call just leave a message "Hey dad it's Ali, call me back love you". We are big on I love you's but the message I left for him didn't have one attached. I remember that whole day feeling like I should have said I love you. It was a strange feeling, and every now and then I get that feeling and I follow through with my instinct. To this day I don't know if he got my message. I don't know if the last thing he heard me say was I love you, or some random 12 year old concern about her things.